If I Had Come Out Sooner…

Had the inspiration to write this while thinking of something catchy and jingly in my sleep this morning. Yes, I sleep-write and think too. A one-shot poem that I originally was thinking of turning into a rap. Enjoy! 😀

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If I had come out sooner, four years ago, what would you have said?

Would you have embraced me, or shook your head in dismay?

Roll your eyes disgustingly, and yell, “Be gone filthy sinner! You are no longer welcome to stay!”

As I would have curled up into a minuscule ball and cry,

Sob and wail so loud from the depths of my heart

God, do You still love me?  😭

For you see, I too grew up in church learning all about the Golden Rule

But in a church that stressed discipline and righteousness,

I would begin to question those ancient words of Paul

I would read each line, meticulously,

Tirelessly, Endlessly,

Searching for answers,

Searching for affirmation,

Searching for love

 

Although my mouth would sing most days, “Jesus, Lamb of God,”

My heart would endlessly weep,

Thinking, “God, if You are there, do You still care about Me?”

Only to end up feeling all alone

 

Many nights, I too would get down on my knees,

Thinking, maybe I could pray the gay away

Their voices so loud, so shrill,

Screaming out “Liar, Devil, Blasphemer!”

 

And then I’d remember Jesus

How He was crucified

How He wept for those people

And how He says He loves them

The Look of Jesus. iPad Finger Painting. by chaseroflight © 2013 deviantART

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“Lord, I’m disabled”

But you are still able

“Lord, I don’t want to keep hiding this,” I would plead,

Swallowing my pride, my ego and my shame

So then I tell Him, “Lord do You still love me if I really am gay?”

And then He’d speak to my heart, Yes Josh, I still love you anyway.

 

Through the tears, I’d tell Him everything

“Lord, I feel like giving in to the hate

My family, my friends, they say I’m a sinner

And that You hate me

I thought You hate my sin.”

 

And then I’d hear Him whisper,

“Son, you are more than that

You are more than your sins

For I fearfully and wonderfully made you

NEVER FORGET THAT.”

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And that is why I now love my queer friends, in the name of Jesus. You guys are my brothers and sisters too. ❤

You’re welcome in my church 🙌 ⛪

Photo Credits to Brian Lempin @ The 202

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Special Thanks/Shout Out to my Mormon-Baptist brother Anthony Xiaver Diaz for writing poetry as well! ❤

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The Song That Inspired this Poem:

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For Further Reading:

I Was Kicked Out Of My Church For Being Gay—And God Still Loves Me 🙂

 

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