I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our Island home, to ride out the storm of war, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do….
Even though large tracts of Europe and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gestapo and all the odious apparatus of Nazi rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender…
You’re supposed to be different and be a little weird. It’s not a bad thing, we’re not meant to be the same.
~ Christina Grimmie
I know I had previously announced that I would stop writing for a while, but something very tragic that happened barely less than 72 hours ago broke my fragile heart and made me scream horrendously inside. During what had seemed like another Saturday morning soon turned into my weekend of perpetual darkness and grief as I had read that Christina Grimmie was shot and killed by a man who had purported to hate Christians.
An article in The Santa Monica Observer displays the following headline:
“Crime may be investigated as a hate crime. The Voice singer was outspoken in her Christian faith” 
Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel.[b] Curds and honey He shall eat, that He may know to refuse the evil and choose the good. For before the Child shall know to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land that you dread will be forsaken by both her kings.
~ Isaiah 7:14 ‒ 16 (NKJV)
Aside from Easter, Lent, Chinese New Year and the Mid-Autumn Festival, the Holidays have always been my favourite time of year. As a child, I remember cherishing every Christmas Day morning, waking up to see presents sitting under the tree, and Christmas evening, reflecting on the birth of the Christ child and His nativity.
Every year, I also commemorate and celebrate my own birthday, with family beside me. But as the years go by, my birthday wishes have graciously evolved with me. Instead of asking Santa Claus for the latest toy, computer game, or DVD, I have increasingly taken the time to think about college (and my life after it), my finances and the future.
And… to be honest with you, the future is a very scary afterthought.
With my family putting the same expectations on me since I was that little boy sitting around our gargantuan TV in the family room, watching Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer,Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and of course, Phineas and Ferb’s Christmas Vacation (a nod to Peanuts as well)—every Christmas seems to feel more burdensome.
Had the inspiration to write this while thinking of something catchy and jingly in my sleep this morning. Yes, I sleep-write and think too. A one-shot poem that I originally was thinking of turning into a rap. Enjoy! 😀
If I had come out sooner, four years ago, what would you have said?
Would you have embraced me, or shook your head in dismay?
Roll your eyes disgustingly, and yell, “Be gone filthy sinner! You are no longer welcome to stay!”
As I would have curled up into a minuscule ball and cry,
We can use our own pain to understand the pain of all living beings. Having learned to accept our own suffering patiently, if we then think of the suffering of all the other living beings trapped in samsara, compassion will arise naturally.
~ Geshe Kelsang Gyatso
ELEVEN MONTHS AGO, I HAD ENOUGH. Enough of suppressing a deeply hurtful part of my soul—equal to the pain of knowing I have and live with cerebral palsy, each and every single day. My mom first skimmed through my Aiming for Inclusion column last October, after receiving a copy in her e-mail. She was appalled to see the Phinerb artwork I had posted. It was then, on one Sunday afternoon, October 20, 2013, we finally sat down and talked things out for over an hour regarding my bi-romantic/bisexual attractions.
I want more books and movies with people with disability, but the disability is not important for the plot.Please.
My mom and I are soon publishing a book about my childhood experiences growing up with cerebral palsy, but I agree. We are more than our disabilities.
Cerebral palsy may be the umbrella I have to live in, but I have the same concerns (academics, finances, social life, dating life, etc) as any able-bodied person does. No matter what your ethnicity, religion, or romantic/sexual orientation. Or disability. 🙂
The world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are. ~ Sirius Black
A MONTH AGO, while Phineas’ family decides to sit in on a more strictly conservative church service this time around, after being encouraged by a family friend, he could have never expected the words he was going to hear:
“Think back on your life,” a woman standing from the podium begins instructing in a harsh tone. “When was the last time you got down on your knees and spent some time with the Almighty, the Creator of the Universe?”
The congregation sits in dead silence.
“When was the last time you’ve seriously had a talk with Him? Confessed your sins to Him?”
“Heck, how often do y’all pray, huh?” No one dares to raise a hand, or move a muscle.
As the message drags on, the more Phineas would grow conscious of some unspoken guilt—until he couldn’t stand this anymore. Holding back pain and tears, he quietly excuses himself and leaves the sanctuary until the service concludes.
His family obviously takes notice, but no one says a word the entire drive home.
“Phineas, what’s wrong?” Ferb would kindly ask his stepbrother.
“N-nothing Ferb,” Phin stutters at first, and lets out a remorseful sigh. “I just feel really uncomfortable with the speech that lady just gave a few hours ago during service today, that’s all.”
But Ferb could tell Phineas was still hiding something very painful inside of him.
“I need to use the bathroom, if that’s alright with you Ferb,” Phineas spontaneously blurts out for Ferb to hear, and turns for a few seconds to face him.
“Go ahead, Phin. If you need anything, I’ll be in our bedroom,” Ferb replies with a warm grin on his face.
In contrast to his brother’s reassuring face, Phineas’ heart and soul was grieving. Grieving with pains that only God Himself could possibly understand. Trudging up the steps and flicking on a light in the upstairs bathroom, he turns on the faucet and starts to wash his face.
With every consecutive splash of water, Phineas eventually stops and stares back intently at his remorseful reflection in the mirror. His drooping sad eyes seem to tell the whole story—memories that suddenly re-emerge in his head that he had been trying to suppress all these years.
He wants to cry, but instead reaches for a towel to dry his face off, the voices trying to break his heart and crush his spirit all in the meantime…
It’s over, he quietly says to himself. I can’t go on like this anymore.
Letting out another remorseful sigh and putting his face towel down, Phineas quietly flickers off the bathroom light and paces towards the bedroom.
But before turning the handle, he shortly pauses and wonders if Ferb was already inside.
I can’t face him like this, came his initial thought, eyes lowering to the carpet he was standing on.
Can he understand how I’m feeling right now? Let alone, would he?
Phineas knew he and Ferb have shared so much of their daily lives together, ever since they were practically toddlers. But he also had an inkling of why it feels increasingly hard to suddenly face him now—because of his unwavering love, respect and devotion for Ferb.
He was also equally afraid of facing even more pain and rejection…
Sucking in his chest, Phineas slowly turns the knob on the door. “Ferb,” he calls.
“Yeah Phin?” Ferb replies, glancing up from a book he was musingly reading in bed.
“I wasn’t sure if you were in here earlier, so I hesitated a bit before coming in,” Phineas murmurs, trying to look away from Ferb, nervously reaching the back of his neck with his left arm.
“It’s fine, Phin. There was no harm in here anyways,” he gently responds and smiles.
“How are you so calm at this moment?!” Phineas suddenly starts yelling from the top of his lungs. “I mean, for as long as we’ve known each other, you’re always the quiet one. And the calmest.”
Phineas now wishes he did not just lash out at his stepbrother, and nearly slaps himself in the face for it, and lets out another painful sigh. Dammit!Why did I just yell at him?
“Phin…” Ferb now says, seeing Phineas slouch over in an almost half-dead appearance.
This is all your fault, Flynn. All your flying fault!
Infuriating with burning anger and pain, evidently, Phineas gets so pissed, he loses his stance and collapses on the floor.
“Phin!” Ferb now shouts from the top of his lungs, dropping the book that he was just reading onto the bed, and sprints over to where Phineas now lay: stone cold and passed out. Going with his first gut instinct, Ferb steadily lifts up his stepbrother in his arms, noting the morose and deeply sullen expression on Phineas’ face. Ferb wished he could do something to appeal to his brother’s broken heart, but no words could seem to describe the lamentations he was now vehemently experiencing within his own soul.
Like a loyal soldier aiding a fallen comrade, Ferb slowly and tediously carries Phineas over to his own bed, the christened SS Phineas, gently tucks him in and kisses him goodnight.
I can only imagine the turbulent storms his soul must be going through right now at this very moment, Ferb quietly contemplates to himself, sitting at the foot of his bed in silence.
True to Ferb’s thoughts, Phineas feels a steady darkness shroud his dreams:
He suddenly finds himself standing in the middle of a pitch-black forest, with not a soul in sight to whom he could holler to or call for help. Phineas clutches a wrinkled piece of paper in his hand—a sketchy drawing of Ferb he carries on his person in times of deep distress. He did not know why he was here, or why an eerie mist was shrouding his view from creatures that could be lurking within his vicinity.
His hands tremble furiously as he holds up his drawing of Ferb, and cries, wishing Ferb were here to protect him.
A lone gray wolf howls far off in the distance.
Phineas dreadfully shakes. Where am I God? he sobs, fearing as though legions of demons would jump out and try to devour him at any moment.
“You’re in Purgatory,” a voice eerily moans somewhere near Phineas’ vicinity.
“Who are you?” he calls out to the voice, quivering in fear and feeling the hairs on his neck stand up on end.
“Me?” the voice now laughs in a wicked and distorted manner. “I AM YOU,” the figure slowly appears from out of the mist, now suddenly speaking in Phineas’ own voice.
Coming face-to-face with the embodiment of his own grotesque self, Phineas cowers in sheer trepidation, arms covering his head and face, and starts to rock back and forth in a fetus position.
“No, no, this can’t be happening!” Phineas screams. “You aren’t here, devil! Go away!”
The evil Phineas laughs again. “And why would I do that, huh?” he haughtily scoffs, putting his hands on his hips and evilly smirks.
“Because you’re evil, and I’m good! That’s why! Now shoo!” Regular Phineas attempts to rebuke the grotesquely looking figure.
“And if I don’t?”
Phineas did not give an answer, still quivering and blubbering like a baby.
“Oh, and by the way, I have a little something I think you remember!” the demon tempts Phineas, now revealing Perry in his arms.
“PERRY! NO!” Phineas cries and tries to reach out for him, the demon continuing to mock regular Phineas incessantly. “YOU LET HIM GO!”
“Oops…” the demon sarcastically jeers Phineas, trying to make him reach for Perry, who is also just as fearful for his own life and safety.
“Phineas! Phineas, save me!” Perry suddenly cries out.
Aghast, he could not believe what he had just heard as clear as day. “Perry, you can talk?!”
“Well, it is your dream,” Perry gently confesses, lowering his head down solemnly a bit.
“This isn’t a mere dream, Perry. I think this is a NIGHTMARE!” Phineas shouts, still wishing he could hold Perry in his arms.
“Well, good luck bub!” the demon cackles. “You’ll have to get through me to get your Perry back!”
“I WILL GET HIM BACK! YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE! YOU DON’T DEFINE WHO I AM!” Phineas boldly stands up for himself now for the very first time, and prepares to face down his own demon.
The hours slowly pass as Ferb sits straight up in his own bed, anxiously watching over Phineas like a hawk from across the room. He figured the only way to comfort his brother was to first let him rest.
He did seem like he had a very stressful moment this morning in church, Ferb would ponder to himself as he takes a break from reading his book.
“I just hope he’s okay,” he now mutters under his own breath.
Phineas momentarily shifts his body in Ferb’s direction, indicating he’s in NREM sleep.
Hope he didn’t just hear me, Ferb thinks aloud to himself again, nervously biting his lower lip.
The hours tick by into the late afternoon, shortly before dinnertime.
Phineas invariably wakes up from his nap with loud, irritable coughing.
“Need some water, Phin? Or tea? I’ll be happy to brew you a cup of Earl Grey,” Ferb gladly exclaims, greeting his companion awake to another warm smile, now sitting next to him.
“Tea sounds soothing, Ferb. Thanks,” Phineas sleepily replies, rubbing his eyes in slow and sluggish circles.
“How long was I out?” noticing he was already tucked into bed.
“About four hours,” Ferb replies. “You passed out after throwing that fit of rage at me earlier,” he now says in a melancholy voice.
“Right…look,” Phineas tries to start giving his explanation, and briefly sighs.
“I want to apologize about why I was so pissed off earlier,” Phineas starts confessing solemnly, breathing slowly, eyes lowering to the blankets covering his lower torso. “Several points that lady made in church today made me really irritable.”
“I know Phin, I know,” Ferb listens attentively, nodding with understanding and compassion.
“I’ll have Dad brew you some tea for your throat, alright Phin?” Ferb kindly offers Phineas, now standing up, walking over to the nightstand, and placing a hand on Phineas’ to show his courtesy. “Be right back!”
With Ferb barging out the door to find Lawrence, Phineas lethargically sinks back into bed with a soft groan. God, I feel awful.
How am I supposed to tell him? He still ponders over this haunting thought meticulously.
“If only Perry were here,” Phin now softly mutters, eyes now glancing toward the door.
Phineas often did not experience hangovers, due to his overly optimistic resilience and ambitions, but on days like this, nothing felt more regenerating than snuggling up under the covers and forgetting about the world for just a day.
Perry was his other comfort companion—or in this case, comfort pet.
As years of memories come sweeping back into Phineas’ mind, he starts to hold back tears again. He really wanted to snuggle with his Perry in his time of need.
Choosing to not dwell on his melancholic thoughts any longer, Phineas groaningly rotates himself to turn off the light on the nightstand and closes his eyes yet again, still with a lingering ill feeling in his stomach.
Downstairs, Ferb maneuvers his way into the kitchen, where he and Lawrence offer to brew up a steaming cup of Earl Grey and set aside a plate of crumpets for Phineas.
“Phin not feeling well, eh son?” Ferb’s dad now sadly inquires the green-haired lad.
“No Dad, not at all,” Ferb could only reply, downtrodden.
“He was about to apologize to me, but I excused myself because I figured he better have this tea for his throat first.” Lawrence nods affirmatively.
“Go easy on him then Ferb, my son,” he says with a warm look in his eyes. The assuring, fatherly kind of look.
“I will Dad. Of course,” Ferb vows as he embraces his biological father for a mere minute before taking the tea and crumpets up to the bedroom.
Phineas lay shivering and whimpering under the covers, praying that his ill feelings and remorse would go away. But the more he shivered, the colder his body seemed to feel, as though he was entering a state of hypothermia.
“Please God…” he finally utters a faint, weak cry. “Forgive me.”
As tears began to silently stream down his face, he hears a voice echo in the silence.
“Phineas…” It was his biological father Francis.
“What’s wrong, my boy?” the older redheaded man would now ask, placing a hand on Phineas’ shoulder.
Phineas dared to not look at his father, for fear of ostracization and judgment, but only continued crying.
“Dad,” he sniffles. “Dad, I—”
“I can’t look at you, Dad.”
“But why not, Phin?” he asks worriedly.
“Because—because I have a secret I dare not tell anyone, not even you,” Phineas depressingly answers, his body facing away from Francis.
“Phin,” Francis now replies, embracing his son. “I understand if you miss me. I can feel it in my spirit. You visualize me being physically there in the room with you when no one else can understand the pains you are feeling, or the tears you are crying.”
“So promise me you won’t judge me when I confess this then, Dad. Please,” Phin suddenly asserts, turning to look at his dad’s face, tears still lingering in his eyes.
“I promise,” Francis reassures his son.
With a lump in his throat, Phineas admits, “I have affections for Ferb, deep, deep affections for him.”
“As your brother?” Francis asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Maybe more than that, Dad. As a boyfriend. It’s really hard to explain,” Phineas finishes saying, crestfallen, his voice lowering and trailing off.
“And do you have feelings for Isabella?”
“At this point, just as a friend,” he mutters.
“Like the ‘I got your back’ kind of friend?” Francis tries to humor with his son.
“Well, yes, but I haven’t developed deep romantic feelings for her yet,” Phineas shyly admits.
“You feel like you’re obligated to fall in love with her, huh?” Francis asks bluntly.
“In time, yes,” Phineas admits. “But I’m much closer to Ferb right now.”
“Because he’s always there for you?”
“Yes Dad, yes.” Phineas emphasizes, letting out a sigh.
“I’ve always heard it’s a sin in the Bible to love another male as a romantic partner, but after you left, and he and his father joined our family, I’ve grown to be very fond of him.”
“Well, I have seen how you two connect, if that’s what you’re referring to, son.” Francis answers with a disarming smile.
“He’s the brother I always have wanted to ask for, Dad.” Phin now starts to look up and smile at his father as well. “All I ask is that you love me, hold me, and bless me.”
“And I do, son.” He re-embraces Phineas tightly. “I do.” Phineas begins crying tears of relief this time.
“Just remember that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU, no matter what you choose to be in life, Phin. Never stop smiling, and never stop loving others as you love yourself.”
“Thank you, Dad.” Phin now says with a smile spreading across his face.
“Phin, you alright?” Ferb now asks, knocking on their bedroom door. “May I come in?”
“Ferb? Ferb, is that you?” Phineas asks, still in confusion over the dream with his father he just had.
“Yeah Phin, it’s me,” he warmly replies. “I’ve brought you a steaming glass of Earl Grey tea and crumpets for you to enjoy.”
“Set them on the nightstand for now,” Phin answers, clearing his throat.
“You seem calmer now. Everything okay?” Ferb asks inquisitively, and takes a seat next to his brother on the bed.
Phineas still wouldn’t dare make direct eye contact with his brother, but gazed coldly down at his hands clasped between his legs.
“I just woke up from a dream,” he starts to say.
“Like the one you were having a few hours ago?”
“Well yes, except this one was more peaceful, and reconciling.”
“Reconciling?” Ferb almost recoils at hearing the word.
“I just had a vision about seeing my dad again, and I told him something—” Phineas stops talking abruptly, to gaze into Ferb’s deep ocean-blue eyes, nearly as saturated as his own.
“Something about—?” Ferb asks, puzzled.
“I think I love you Ferb,” Phineas chokes up, and steadily throws his arms around his protective stepbrother. “I’ve been trying to make sense of this for so long,” he continues sobbing.
“Please forgive me…”
“Phineas,” Ferb utters in response. “Phineas…”
But Phin could not let go of Ferb just yet, his one true brother and dear friend.
“Phineas, it’s okay mate,” Ferb soothes his brother, patting and rubbing him gently on the back.
“I love you bro,” he utters in between his tears.
“I know bro, I know.” Ferb says, now a mellow and solemn expression also casting over his face as well.
When there were no more tears left to cry, Phineas could finally break away and wipe away his sniffles and tear-stained face.
“Phineas, look at me.” For the very first time on this day, Phineas could gaze up at his brother, and start to smile a little.
“You are the bravest boy I know, you know that?” Ferb says, holding Phineas’ hands.
Phin had to chuckle at the very thought.
“Yes, yes Ferb. Very much,” as he would softly blush. “But I hope this doesn’t change the fact that we are still brothers,” Phin softly but happily sighs.
“No! No of course not, you dork!” Ferb jeers sarcastically at Phineas, also lightly chuckling too. “We will always be brothers, no matter what,” he compliments Phin with a smile.
“Awwww you!” Phin snickers and replies with a kiss on Ferb’s nose, while Ferb flicks his gently, as a sign of goodwill.
“But no sex…” Phin immediately asserts, raising a finger.
“Oh HELL NO bro!” Ferb says aloud. “Even if we were gay, I would so not be looking forward to that…” as he rolls his eyes disgustingly.
“Agreed,” Phineas replies, still smiling. “But you ARE looking pretty sexy right about now,” he compliments his British bro in a flirtatious manner.
“As do you bro,” Ferb replies, as Phin snickers and blushes again.
“So, do you wanna share some crumpets now?” Ferb raises the suggestion, eyeing the plate on the nightstand.
“That would be lovely!” Phineas laughs in his sarcastically humorous and mocking British accent.
As they both reach over to each take a crumpet in hand, they vow to stay brothers for as long as they live. “Cheers,” the boys would exclaim as they bumped their crumpets together, chewed, laughed, and smeared each other’s faces humorously.
Over the following month, Phineas and Ferb have bonded even closer still, even saying grace with the family at mealtimes, in church, and in their bedroom together. Phineas was no longer intimidated by the thought of his sins eating away at his soul, because he would remember that God, and his father Francis, are always willing to listen to whatever he had on his mind, heart and soul, and that he, his faithful brother Ferb, and their pet platypus Perry are eternally loved and unconditionally accepted by Him. Amen. O:)
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’
Phineas also pays his respects at his father’s grave on Easter Sunday.
Inspirations/Acknowledgements: Initially, when I first conceived of a concept for this fanfiction, I wanted to make Phineas a fallen angel figure, who would be left to battle the forces of evil on Earth, but later, decided it was too complicated, and refocused the story on the evil in his soul instead—ergo, what Christians call “sin.”
The opening scene where Phineas gets easily upset in the church service is in fact inspired by a real-life event that happened to me four months ago while attending church with my dear friend, Andrew Kang.
I also allude to the relationship the Biblical figures David and Jonathan have had in the Old Testament towards the end, where Phineas cries in front of Ferb, if you catch it.
Additional acknowledgements to the deviantART users from which I borrow and cite my artwork from, and to Tim Be Told, for their incredibly uplifting music.
Lastly, consider this as my open letter to all gay and bi Christian youth out there, who are struggling to reconcile their same-sex attractions with their faith, maybe even believing it’s not doable or possible, as I have once also strictly believed. If you feel or have previously felt like a church community is excommunicating you because of your newfound confessions and admissions concerning your orientation, I want you to remember: Jesus was rejected and despised on too, right before He went to the cross on Good Friday.
And yet we are still called to be His beloved children today.
To close on a humble endnote, I would like to quote Ash Beckham:
So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it’s hard, but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of.
Because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyhole of their closets, looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open. So be that person, and show the world that we are bigger than our closets, and that a closet is no place for a person for a person to truly live.
The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do. ~ Unknown
IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, as Phineas and Ferb are filled with Holiday Cheer.
Waking up on a cold, crisp and snowy Christmas Eve, the boys anticipate the excitement of the coming day—building giant snowmen, decorating the town with lights, stars, and streamers abound, hanging out with the rest of the gang—and later that evening, attend the yearly Nativity service at church with their wonderfully blended family.
“What are you looking forward to the most today, Ferb?” Phineas cheerfully inquires his faithful stepbrother, almost immediately changing into his winter outfit while sitting up straight in bed.
“Definitely the hot chocolate and eggnog, and the Christmas carols we’ll be hearing all around town,” he replies busily putting on his sweater at the moment.
“And you Phin?” Ferb gladly raises an eyebrow to smile back at him, placing a hand on his lap before getting up to grab his coat and scarf off the coat rack.
Phineas curiously pauses for a minute, glancing up at the ceiling. “That’s a hard one, Ferb,” he starts off saying. “You know I have a difficult time having to pick favorites.”
“It’s the presents, isn’t it?” Ferb sneers at Phin with a chuckle.
“No, not the presents. We get those every year…”
“Building snowmen? Decorating the town?”
“That’s festive, but, no.” Phin says, immediately eliminating those options from his mind.
“Kissing Isabella under the mistletoe?” Ferb sneers joyously again.
“I’d bet she’d love it, but no, that’s not it either.” Phineas laughs a little sheepishly at first, but then puts a hand on his chin in a sad and contemplative manner.
“You know I was joking about that last one, right Phin?” Ferb assures his stepbrother firmly.
“Of course, Ferb. We all know you’re quite the jokester around these parts,” Phineas now says, starting to chuckle lightly at the thought.
“Is it Perry?” Ferb interrupts, seeing that their family pet is just starting to wake up from his morning nap.
Somehow, hearing Perry’s name brings back bittersweet memories for Phineas. Glancing over at the teal-colored, fuzzy platypus now climbing up and chattering politely at the foot of his bed, he suddenly recalls the day their family brought him home from the pet store.
“Something wrong, Phin?” Ferb now starts noticing his worrisome face.
“Perhaps, Ferb. But I can’t seem to put a finger, or a hand, on my thoughts at the moment. I’m suddenly finding myself trying to recall some memory from the past that I’m not even aware of right now,” he honestly confesses to his beloved stepbrother.
“Hmm. Well, maybe the memories will slowly come back to you as the day progresses,” Ferb reassures him, placing a warm hand on Phineas’ shoulder. “But you should probably start changing into your outfit. It’s already 9:30,” Ferb advises him, tilting his head at the alarm clock.
“Alright Ferb,” Phin warmly replies with a smile. “I’ll try.”
“That’s my boy! Want me to help you get your clothes?”
“That’d be great Ferb! Thanks!” Phineas exclaims, now feeling a little more reassured than before.
After a hearty breakfast, the boys ask to be excused to the backyard to watch the snow gently fall around them. Linda happily agrees, only advising them not to be too long; otherwise, they’d miss the afternoon caroling.
Upon opening the screen door, a frosty winter wind bites their noses, as the brothers hurriedly dig their gloved hands into their coat pockets.
“Would you look at that, Ferb? The snow’s coming down nicely this year,” he happily exclaims, observing the pure whiteness of the scenery that lay before him. His inner child leaped with joy, becoming fully absorbed in the calm and serene background.
“Remember when we used to build smaller snowmen as toddlers?” Phineas turns back to ask Ferb. He gently nods.
“Wanna build a colossus one this year?” Phineas now starts squealing with delight, eyes lighting up at the image now ever glowing in his head.
“Sure Phin,” Ferb calmly replies, radiating a warm, soft grin from his face.
Perry momentarily comes walking outside. “What do you think Perry? Do you want to see us build a colossal snowman?” He gives a warm smile at Phineas, and delightfully chatters.
Another two hours pass as the snowman outgrows the size of the house. Putting the last finishing touches on Frosty’s gargantuan carrot nose and face, Linda Flynn calls the boys in for a quick lunch, whilst reminding them of their afternoon priorities.
“We know, Mom,” Phineas replies in between bites.
“You can go across the street to wish Isabella and her family a Happy Hanukkah when you two are done, ok?”
“Ok Mom!” Phineas gives his swift response.
“C’mon Ferb! We gotta go decorate the town before the caroling begins!” he exclaims, turning to Ferb again, before pushing in their chairs at the dining room and running out the front door.
As the bros gather up the rest of the gang around Danville, everyone hurriedly starts getting into the Spirit.
And not before long, the city itself begins glistening brightly with streamers, ornaments, and wrapping paper abound, as Christmas music starts ringing throughout the streets, accompanied by a multitude of fellow Danvillians.
Despite all the festivities, however, Phineas’ sheer optimism still could not resolve the issue of the hollow memory he cannot seem to recall from this morning when he was in bed. Surprisingly, throughout the entire afternoon, he could almost imagine hearing a voice inside of him somewhere telling him that everything was going to be all right. He just needed to believe, and trust in that voice.
By nightfall, as the caroling continued in the distance, he started hearing the words to The Little Drummer Boy being sung more coherently, as the Flynn-Fletcher family approaches the local church in a horse drawn sleigh.
As Lawrence and Ferb Fletcher thank the sleigh driver for the ride, Phineas’ ears become sharply attuned and fixated on the slow and peaceful hymn.
Pa-rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy, too
Pa-rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa-rum pum pum pum
That’s fit to give our King
Pa-rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum
Slowly but surely, the music jogs Phineas’ memory as he suddenly remembers a time when he and Candace were younger, years ago, their biological father would read them the story of The Crippled Lamb every Christmas Eve, as they both would snuggle up-close in his loving arms, until they fell fast asleep with warm smiles on their faces.
Back in the present time, as the family now strolls in through the church doors and into the main sanctuary, the boys catch a glimpse of the marvelous stained glass windows adorning the facade above the altar, and a large wooden cross hanging on the wall behind the podium. A few feet away to the right, a dazzling six-foot Christmas tree strung with lights, streamers, and ornaments sits on the stage, and right away, Phineas is amazed by the colors and the lights.
“Welcome Flynn-Fletcher family. So glad to see you all again this year,” Reverend Johnson, a man in his mid-thirties with fine hair, extends a hand of gratitude to the parents and the boys.
“Glad to see you too Reverend,” everyone immediately replies, except for young Phineas.
Noticing that his face was fixated on the tree, and then the stained glass windows above, the reverend chuckles and bends down to greet Phineas. “Enjoying a view of the sanctuary, I see, eh Phineas?” he kindly asks.
Spontaneously breaking his concentration, Phineas suddenly exclaims, “Oh, yes. Hi Pastor.”
“Good evening, my boy. Merry Christmas!” Reverend Johnson replies with a wide grin on his face and a gentle ruffling of Phineas’ hair.
“Merry Christmas to you too sir,” Phineas replies and smiles while glancing back up at the stained glass windows.
“And who do we have here?” Reverend Johnson humorously greets Perry standing on the floor, stroking his head.
“Oh, that’s Perry, our pet platypus,” Phineas shortly replies, looking down at Perry.
“Why, hello Perry. Welcome to church!” the reverend exclaims, continuing to stroke his fur until you can start to hear him purr.
“As you know, I love animals, and don’t place any restrictions on families bringing their pets to services, unlike other pastors and their churches,” the reverend explains while finishing stroking Perry and standing back up to face the family. “All are welcome in the House of God!”
“Bless your heart Pastor,” Linda joyfully says to Reverend Johnson.
“Thank you Linda. We will be starting service shortly. Why don’t you all take a seat momentarily?” he gestures them towards the pews closer to the altar.
As the family slowly files past each other and takes their seats, Phineas still can’t stop staring at the tree and the stained glass windows with child-like wonder and excitement.
As the opening music starts to fade, Pastor Johnson takes his place at the pulpit on stage.
With his Bible laid out in front of his view, and a mike gripped in his right hand, he introduces tonight’s sermon:
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, children and pets, members of the LGBT community, beloved Children of God. As you all should know, tonight is a very commemorative night. What’s the occasion?”
He holds the mike out to the congregation. “Christmas Eve!” the crowd shouts in unison.
“That’s right! It’s Christmas Eve, the night before…”
“Jesus is born!” the congregation shouts again.
“Right, but only according to tradition,” Pastor Johnson now chuckles into the mike. “Most of us here should know Jesus was not really born in the wintertime. Otherwise, He’d freeze to death!” Some in the crowd start laughing raucously. “No, many scholars hypothesize Jesus Christ, our Beloved Lord and Savior was probably born during the late autumn months…around September or October.”
“But in all seriousness folks, it should not matter when we celebrate the birth of the awaited Savior, but why. Amen?”
“AMEN!” the congregation shouts joyfully.
“Amen! Praise God! Now, I encourage you to open your Bibles provided in the folds in front of your seats to the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 1.” The sound of hundreds of Bibles being opened and pages being turned furiously thunder throughout the room.
“Matthew, Chapter 1, starting with verse 18…
18 This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.’
22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:23 ‘The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel’[g] (which means ‘God with us’).
24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.”
~ Matthew 1:18 – 25 (NIV)
After he had finished reading aloud the Scripture, Pastor Johnson proceeded to elucidate on the meanings behind the famous story:
“I’m certain you’ve heard of the Nativity story many times growing up, and throughout your adult life. Mary’s the Holy Virgin who gives birth to the Son of God, who is essentially God in the flesh, God Incarnate. The Catholic Church decided to develop a doctrine in the 19th century called the Immaculate Conception, of which they bestow upon the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary. This concept seems to make sense in theory, but there’s one problem with this doctrine here: the actual Scriptures do not state ‘Mary was sinless.’ It only states, ‘Mary’s a virgin, and Joseph’s her wedded husband by the Jewish law and custom of the time.’ Amen?”
“Amen!” The congregation shouts again.
As Pastor Johnson’s sermon continues, he explains his analysis on the significance of the Magi and the mysterious yet awe-inspiring Star of Bethlehem, showing a few clips from The Nativity Story to help drive the narrative:
The Birth of the Christ Child
The Visit of the Shepherds and the Magi
The Flight to Egypt
As the film credits start to roll and the hymn to Silent Night gently plays in the background, the boys cannot help themselves but sob together in each other’s company, remarking how beautiful the story is—and coincidentally, allowing the pastor to take a fifteen-minute intermission.
“You alright boys?” Pastor Johnson warmly asks, approaching the two in the aisleway.
“We’re alright Pastor, thank you,” Ferb reassures him in between the sniffles. Phin, though, still seemed to be shedding tears.
“Movie was too beautiful for you, huh Phin?” the pastor initially tries joking with him.
“Yes Pastor, but the movie brought up several vivid memories from my childhood I thought I had all but forgotten,” Phineas now confesses to the two sitting close to him. “Beautiful, but sad memories,” he finishes saying, wiping away more tears.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Phin,” Pastor Johnson now says in a sincere and solemn manner. “You are always welcome to come talk to me about them after service tonight, if you’re still feeling down. You also happen to know you have a very loving and supporting family, right?”
“Yes sir, I do. And thank you,” Phineas smiles with a gentle gaze from his tear-streaked face.
“It’ll be alright, my boy,” the pastor reassures him emotionally, before shortly having to return to the stage in a few minutes.
There it is again—that saying. ‘It’ll be alright,’ Phineas musingly ponders for a long time on those very words. What does he exactly mean when he says those words? The question continues to loom and echo inside his head…
Just then, Pastor Johnson signals the end of the intermission by preparing to speak again.
“Hello, beautiful ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’ve had an enlightening and uplifting experience so far tonight. The Nativity Story, to me, you see, is not just one of mystery, but of miracles…”
Several amens and cheers can be heard emanating spontaneously from the crowd.
“Whenever I visualize the story of the Nativity, I don’t just see the birth of a divine Christ child. I see the literal Spirit of God dwelling among us, living inside of us, and thanks to His work on the Cross, we can now live with Him,” he firmly emphasizes pointing a finger up at the sky.
“The Scripture says, ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.’
That’s from the Letter to the Hebrews, Chapter 4, verses 15 – 16.”
“That is the sole message I want to leave you with tonight, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Jesus didn’t come to this Earth to live a comfortable life. No, He came to empathize with us, understand us, and live with us. I mean, really think about it. God in the flesh—a Holy sinless God taking on the body of a mere mortal man. That’s a miracle right there,” Pastor Johnson now emphasizes, pointing a finger at his audience. “That’s the Christmas miracle.”
Applause soon erupts throughout the building, as he quietly gestures towards the worship band to play their selections of closing songs for the night. And they couldn’t have picked a more suitable track either:
As the worship leaders lead the audience into the song, and as the clapping intensifies and surges throughout the sanctuary, Phineas finds himself emotionally slain in the Spirit, raising his outstretched arms to praise the Almighty. He even starts to pray quietly under his own voice, muttering:
Lord, I thank You for Your unconditional love
I thank you for my family, my brother Ferb, our platypus Perry
Upon saying this, Phineas gently ruffles Perry’s head and smiles
I am amazed at the wonders You do every day for me, Lord
And I am always broken when I enter Your presence…
At this point, the music swells immeasurably, that the volume drowns out Phineas’ words. He smoothly rejoins the harmonizing of the crowd, until a roar of applause thunders from every corner of the sanctuary, ending the first song, and leading into the second one.
Pastor Johnson momentarily intercedes to give a quick prayer, eyes closed and head bowed:
Lord, You are such an awesome Father, an awesome God
No human words can ever come close to describing how magnificent You truly are
The Psalmist writes Your Hands declare the work of the heavens,
That You are a lamp unto our feet
Father God, we thank You ever so much for Your Christmas miracle
Even after two millennia, we will still never be able to fathom the depths to which Your Son was born into
But it moves our hearts and spirits every time
We praise You Father
In Jesus’ Name
The second song opens as Pastor Johnson disappears back under the spotlights into the shadows.
As the crowd steadily chants and worships with one heart and one voice, several even quietly praying in tongues, Phineas hears a voice echo and reverberate in the stillness.
“Be brave, my son.” The voice sounded exactly like that of his late father, Francis Flynn.
Phineas quietly shudders at the very thought. Could it be? he wonders.
Another verse later, Phineas hears his father’s voice again. “I am here, son. I am here with you.”
Still thinking he’s under some sort of hypnotic trance or hallucination, Phineas tries blinking a few times to see if he’s still wide awake.
Again, the voice returns. “I am here, son.”
Suddenly finding himself under a bright light, young Phineas tries to peer at the source with a hand over his eyes. As the image gradually comes into focus, he sees a man whom is none other than his father Francis, standing a few feet away from him.
“I’m here, son.” He repeats again with a wide smile across his face.
“Dad…” Phineas blurts aloud. “Dad, I thought I lost you,” he now loudly exclaims, running into Francis’ loving arms once again, trying not to sob.
“My boy, look at how you’ve grown!” Francis startlingly remarks upon observing Phineas’ current state.
“I miss you so much, Dad.” Phineas starts to say in between his sobs. “When I heard you got struck by that car so many years ago, I…I-” he can barely even continue to explain without wanting to cry and embrace his father tightly.
“Phineas, my boy,” Francis begins to say. “No need for apologies here.”
“But the pain hurts, Dad! I want you to come home with me!” Phineas screams with bitterness and frustration.
“My boy,” Francis would gently begin again. “My dear boy,” he says, soothing his son’s tender and broken heart. “My boy, look at where you are kneeling right now. I AM ALREADY HOME,” his voice booms and thunders as he lifts an arm to show Phineas where they currently are.
The sight is astounding. “Is this Heaven?” Phineas suddenly asks in amazement, eyes ever widening at the glorious scenery.
“The edge of it, yes son,” Francis replies with another warm and grateful smile.
“Is this real?” Phineas asks again in amazement and disbelief.
Francis lightly chuckles at hearing his son’s question. “Only when you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then yes, this is real.”
Phineas’ heart experiences a moment of mercy and humility. “I believe,” he utters quietly, prostrating himself in the presence of his father, as he feels Francis’ hand touch his head.
“I know you do, son, and God does too,” Phineas can coherently hear his father’s voice proclaim.
At the sound of this, Phineas rises and re-embraces his father again in smiles. “I love you Dad,” he mutters loud enough so Francis can hear.
“I love you too, Son,” Francis finally replies, this time with tears of indescribable joy streaming down his face.
As the anointing sensation slowly begins to fade, and Phineas wakes up again back on planet Earth, he blinks his eyes open again a few more times to find his family members and the pastor all staring down at him with big, wide eyes.
“Did you have any sweet dreams, Phineas?” Ferb starts asking shortly.
“Ferb? Candace? Perry? Mom? Dad? Pastor Johnson? Where am I?” Phineas starts asking, still in a daze.
“You’re lying in the pews, dear,” Linda Flynn tells him. “Pastor Johnson says you passed out during worship, and the team decided to bring you a blanket and a pillow to sleep on, so you wouldn’t be cold.”
“Where’s everyone else?” Phineas curiously asks, looking around the deserted sanctuary.
“They’ve already went home. It’s almost ten o’clock at night, Phineas,” Pastor Johnson calmly explains.
“Ten o’clock?!” he shouts. “How long have I been out for?” he gravely asks, putting a hand to his head.
“I’d say about an hour, Phineas,” Pastor Johnson answers.
Noticing that the tree is still standing there, lights aglow, he spontaneously blurts out, “Ever notice that tree has no star, sir?”
“Why yes, Phineas,” suddenly turning to face it. “But we don’t usually put the star on top until Christmas Day to commemorate the occasion,” he finishes, smiling at Phineas once more.
Turning his head in a gesture, Phineas asks, “May I, sir?” with pleading innocent eyes.
“Of course Phineas,” Pastor Johnson swiftly replies, slowly leading the family towards the colossal-looking Christmas tree.
As Phineas gets closer to the tree and the stained glass windows above, his eyes seem to light up as bright as the tree itself.
“Do you have any Christmas wishes, Phineas?” Linda Flynn gently asks her son, whose gaze is completely fixated on the tree.
Seeing his own reflection in an ornament, he joyfully replies, “Why yes. Yes, I do” and grins.
Pulling an ornament out of his pocket, and asking Ferb to activate a switch, the ornament blows up into a full-size Nativity scene, complete with Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus and animal figurines.
“What’s all this Phineas?” his parents, sister and Pastor Johnson cautiously ask the boys.
“It’s a little something Ferb and I invented in our free time. Portable figurines,” he exclaims with a smile appearing on his face again, holding up one more figurine in his palm.
“Yes Candace. Our Dad. The one who used to read us that storybook every Christmas Eve before we went to bed,” he says, referring to his vision.
“You still remember that?” she asks in sheer amazement.
“Of course! Don’t you?” he replies, giving her a reassuring glance.
“Well,” she starts off, “I have, but I try not to dwell on those memories,” she now finishes with a remorseful sigh.
“It’s alright, Candace. I love both of your fathers,” Linda now assuredly says to Lawrence, Ferb and Phineas listening.
“And I am indeed very sorry for your loss,” Lawrence now says, expressing his condolences for Linda’s first husband.
“I know Lawrence,” she says, now gently kissing him on the cheek.
“Many years ago, when Francis passed away, there was a period of time where I really did believe I could never love another man as I did with him. And then God somehow led me to you,” Linda finishes her sentence, exchanging a smile with Lawrence.
“And I was there presiding over both of your wedding ceremonies!” Pastor Johnson now interjects in the sentimental conversation.
“Yes Reverend. You were. Thank you,” Linda exclaims, holding her beloved children in her arms.
“Well, would you like to do the honors, Ferb?” Phineas now asks his stepbrother, revealing another switch that would make the Francis figurine come to life.
With the press of a button, the Francis figurine grew incrementally into its life-sized form, and could even start moving and talking as well.
“Hi kids!” the figurine calls out.
“FRANCIS?!” Linda cries out, shocked by the figurine’s life-like appearance.
“Hi Linda,” the figurine now calmly greets his former wife.
“Oh my gosh, it is you!” she screams, running to embrace Francis, as his life-like arms held her tightly. “I never thought I’d ever see you again!” she now sobs.
“It’s okay Mom. I just saw the real one in a vision,” Phineas calmly explains, pulling at his mother’s coat.
“You have?” she asks, now in between her sobs.
Phineas gently nods. “Yes, yes I did. He’s with Jesus now,” and lets out another grin.
Under the bright Christmas lights, one can now faintly observe a cross smeared on his forehead, a sign that Phineas had received his blessing from God.
As the family wishes and bids the pastor and Francis a good night and Merry Christmas as they walk out of the church and into the snow, something sparkling—twinkling even—seemed to fall out of the clear night sky and onto Phineas’ head.
“Oof!” Phineas lets out a spontaneous cry.
It was a star! A shining Christmas star that glowed ever so bright!
“But how?” Phineas now asks himself.
Just then, the star leaps out of his hand, flies around and around in circles until it displays a message in the night sky for a good five minutes before the words fade:
All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle. I love you, dearest Phineas.
Now THAT is a Christmas miracle! Phineas would smile brightly and think to himself.
“Thanks Dad!” he would joyfully cheer and wave at the sky, as the star seems to magically wave a hand back, before zooming up to the heavens, creating a sonic boom in the process.
Besides being one of the LONGEST pieces I have ever written to date, and will post on this blog, I pray that this fanfiction will be a tremendous blessing to all who read it from cover to cover.
Having seen a re-run of the Phineas and Ferb: A Christmas Family Vacationspecial again on TV recently, I have personally questioned the over-commercialization and popularity of Ol’ Saint Nick in mainstream culture and conceptualization, who, in reality, doesn’t bear any resemblance to the actual Saint Nicholas of history at all (sorry kiddies). 😦
Personal acknowledgements to deviant KicsterAsh for creating and conceptualizing Francis Flynn as Phineas’ biological father, as well as for every other deviantARTist I borrow artwork from in advance to use in this page-turning fanfiction.
A personal shout-out to fellow deviant SecretagentG as well, for christening Phineas and Ferb as faithful Christians. God bless you girl! 😀
Additional acknowledgements to the Hillsong United worship teams all around the world for writing and harmonizing their music to bring glory and praise to God Almighty above, and for the Church on Earth below.
The denomination the Flynn-Fletcher family attends in this story is a fictionalized mixture of the (LGBT-affirming sector) of the United Methodist Church meeting Pentecostalism, as I grew up in the (Charismatic) Pentecostal tradition, while my father was raised Methodist from my grandmother, who discovered Chinese Methodism in her younger years. My mother, on the flip side, attended an all girls’ Catholic high school in Taiwan before later on discovering Evangelical Christianity, shortly before marrying my father.
Henceforth, why I mention the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception.
It’s Fall in Danville, as the nights grow ever longer and the days ever shorter. Hearing the school bell ring at the end of another long day, young Phineas Flynn quietly packs his books and papers and shuffles them away in his backpack.
“What’d you think of Bio lab today, Phineas?” the ever still spunky Isabella Garcia-Shapiro asks, graciously approaching his desk, presenting a warm and welcoming smile, with an intense glow emanating from her eyes.
“It was alright, Isabella” he replies with a sigh and a rather downcast look, eyes lowered to his belongings.
“What’s wrong?” she empathetically asks, placing a gentle hand of his shoulder. Just the feel of it wanted to make him cry.
“Oh baby…” Izzy goes in to hug him in an effort to soothe his worries.
“You wouldn’t understand, Isabella. I have a lot on my mind right now” he honestly replies.
“You can always tell me, Phineas. Trust me on this one.” Izzy warmly reassures him.
“I know, but…” stopping his sentence short biting his lower lip in agony.
“But?” as she waited for his response. He dared not answer, only look her in the eyes and let them do the talking. She knew he was feeling troubled, but wasn’t sure how to help him this time.
“I’m thinking about going to the school psychologist to talk out my problems, if that’s alright with you” he finishes saying, staring at her firmly in the eyes to reassure her he was being completely honest.
“I trust you. Let me know how your session goes then, huh?” Izzy warmly returns another smile and embraces Phineas in a comforting hug.
“Of course,“ he replies and smiles, enjoying their embrace together.
Twenty minutes later, I hear a soft knock on my door. “Hello? Dr. Chen?” Phineas calls, wondering if I’m still in the office.
“Ah, Phineas. I’ve been expecting you. Come on in!” I reassure him with a large grin across my face.
He gently shuts the door behind him, slowly takes off his backpack hanging off his shoulder, places it on a chair, and pulls up the one next to it.
“What seems to be bothering you today, son?” I start slowly.
“Well, sir…You mind if I call you sir?” he beams the question back at me, only glancing up for a few short seconds.
“You can call me ‘sir’, Josh, it doesn’t matter Phineas,” I gently reply with another smile.
“Well Josh,” this time saying my name emphatically, “I’ve been feeling down lately” eyes lowered to his cupped hands placed between his jeans.
“Is it the girlfriend?” I ask curiously.
“No sir,” he nods his triangle-shaped head sadly.
“Is it Candace?”
Again, another ‘no.’
“She’s gone off to college now, in search of Jeremy,” he softly replies.
“Does it feel different or awkward now that she’s not busting you and Ferb all the time?” I ask professionally.
“Yes, but she’s much more mature now, and has learned to take responsibility for herself,” Phineas spontaneously says with a light grin.
“And what about your pet platypus Perry? Still see him around at home?”
“Well yes, except when he runs off in the middle of the day. Though Ferb and I always love having him around,” this time starting to chuckle at the comforting image he now conjures up in his head.
“And what of your stepbrother Ferb?” I continue asking, seeing if there’s a clue I can begin to pick up in the conversation.
“He’s the man!” comes Phineas’ first reply, followed by, “He’s such a great bro to have” and smiles to himself again, eyes gradually lighting up at the thought of his brother.
Now I think I’m getting somewhere! I scream with utter delight in my head, leaning gently over to Phineas from the other side of the desk.
“I’ll bet,” I say, rubbing him gently on the shoulder. “Anything else you have to say about him?”
“Well…” Phineas hesitates and freezes for a few short seconds.
“I love him. And not just in the normal brotherly way either” he eventually confesses, as if blurting out something so harsh and vindictive, it eats away at the very essence of his soul.
“I can tell” I beam a look back at him. “Judging from your shyness and that look you have that you’re literally sick to your stomach, I can tell,” I finish my sentence and lean back into mycomfortable lumbar chair.
“You see, I was experiencing the very feelings you are feeling right now at your age. It was all very confusing. I often just kept my distance from a lot of people” I reassure him.
“But when did you finally… you know?” hesitating to ask.
“When I was 20 and in college,” I slowly answer, filling in his question. “My parents didn’t take it very well at first, even though they know the presence of LGBT people in our society.”
“Right,” Phineas gently nods, allowing me to proceed.
“My confession was just as painful as yours, Phineas. To admit with all my heart and soul that I’m attracted to both men and women. But I indeed still do… and am actually still very single,” I humorously toss the joke at him.
Phineas giggles, staring right back at me in the eyes, with one of the softest expressions I have ever seen emanate from the face of a teenager his age. He was being gravely honest, I could tell.
“So any suggestions you have for me, Doc?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” I slyly say twirling my pen at the moment. “Why don’t I let your brother have a say in this?”
Gesturing a hand towards the door, a now tall and dark green-haired Ferb walks into the room.
“Ferb? You invited Ferb to my counseling session?!” Phineas almost exclaims in a surprised frenzy.
“But of course, my dear boy. I do enjoy group sessions after all!” I humorously chuckle again, holding my hands close to my face.
“You want me to fill in on what’s going on Doc?” Ferb now asks in that suave British accent of his.
“Yes, please Ferb” I gesture towards him and Phineas, now taking a seat next to his stepbrother.
With a slow yet equally painful sigh, Ferb makes his remarks. “Phineas, I’ve known for several months now. The way you’d look at me in the eye the same way you’d look at Isabella, always glowing, always intelligent…always vibrant. Remember when we held hands in that Tower we constructed many summers ago?”
Ferb pauses to let Phineas give an agreeable nod at him.
“Even in those few short seconds, I knew there was something special about you—the way we’d stare into each other’s eyes and see the whole world living in them.”
“Yes,” Phineas bashfully replies, looking away from the two of us in an effort to hide his blushing red cheeks.
“Phineas, Dr. Chen invited me here this afternoon to inform me that everything’s gonna be okay. I’m not gonna hate you if you have feelings for me. Promise,” he finishes placing a hand on Phineas’ shoulder.
Spontaneously, upon meeting Ferb’s lustrous eyes, he lunges at Ferb in a tight embrace, again trying not to cry.
“Thank you bro. That is what I’ve always wanted to hear you say,” he now mumbles through Ferb’s coat.
Ferb calms him by stroking his head and saying, “I love you too Phin. Never forget that” and gently kisses his bright maroon hair.
Through the stream of tears, Phineas goes in for a deep passionate kiss with his stepbrother, eyes sealed shut to amplify the sensation of the kiss, his cheeks still ever glowing as red as his hair.
It was certainly a sight to watch, as my heart melted inside, seeing them so in tune with each other all the time. I was quite overjoyed.
Eventually breaking away, both of their faces now showed a much more solemn and soothed tone, as they would smile back at me and say in unison, “We’re very happy together Doc.” 🙂
“I can certainly see that,” I again chuckle in an uproar, proud for these two boys. They’re the sons I’ve never had, but I am still very assured they are both able to see me as an encouraging and loving father figure.
As they slowly rise to grab their belongings, now hands interlaced with each other, they bid me farewell, Ferb saluting with two fingers in a gentleman’s manner, and Phineas waving me, the proud American he is.
I tightly embrace them and kiss them both on their heads as they proceed to stroll out the door, hand in hand for a long time to come.
The next Spring, Izzy spots the brothers in the hallway.
“So Phineas, you heading on over to the GSA meeting in a little bit?” smiling at him.
“Yes! How about you Izzy?”
“Definitely!” as both she and Ferb take Phineas’ hands, one conveniently for each, laughing and giggling all the way there.
Background: I have decided to not only incorporate myself into the world where Phineas and Ferb live in this time as their high school psychologist, being that I am a long-time fan since the premiere of the show, and now DEVOTEE as well. In addition, to share part of my most recent coming out experience as being openly bisexual, as I realize the P&F fandom is unfortunately split along Phinbella and Phinerb lines.
‘Why not have Phineas express his bisexuality the way I would intend him to, and in a way that could potentially bring together both pairings in one place?’ I would often ask myself. That’s when this story came to mind just now, and it is beautiful. ❤
Inspirations/Closing Acknowledgements: The ending where the brothers hold hands is inspired by this scene from The Closet:
Furthermore, Isabella is a heterosexual LGBT ally in the very last scene, inspired by an extremely awesome and loving Mexican girl friend and UC Riverside classmate of mine in real life, Dulce R. Gomez. YOU GO GIRL! CHEERS! 😀
Relive Another Historic Moment RIGHT HERE:
Ellen DeGeneres, you are such an inspiration to me! I ❤ YOU ALWAYS!
IN HIGH SCHOOL, as many other young adolescent teens are during this time, I began to feel an emotional admiration for classmates and friends of both genders—males and females alike. My freshman year, I met a boy whom I only once briefly met in the 7th grade during a small group therapy counseling session with our guidance counselor. You can imagine the look on his face as I glanced over at him for the very first time—small beady eyes, a warm, gentle grin and sunny disposition. I was somehow entranced, but dared not say anything except for a simple “Hi” and a gentle wave of the hand. When we finally briefly re-connected in high school, I nearly fell in love with him—or so I naively thought. Fast forward ahead many years into the near future. After many long hiatuses of not communicating back and forth online ever since Tim and his mom moved out to Texas in February 2008, one May evening one year ago, I decided to muster up the strength to tell him the truth about how I really felt about him all this time, and how much I’ve missed him so. “Tim, I love you. I really do.”