Flags Lowered at Half Mast: A Christian Speaks Out

You’re supposed to be different and be a little weird. It’s not a bad thing, we’re not meant to be the same.

~ Christina Grimmie

Hi guys,

I know I had previously announced that I would stop writing for a while, but something very tragic that happened barely less than 72 hours ago broke my fragile heart and made me scream horrendously inside. During what had seemed like another Saturday morning soon turned into my weekend of perpetual darkness and grief as I had read that Christina Grimmie was shot and killed by a man who had purported to hate Christians.

An article in The Santa Monica Observer  displays the following headline:

“Crime may be investigated as a hate crime. The Voice singer was outspoken in her Christian faith” [1]

The more I had read the outcome of the events that had unfolded that early morning in Orlando, the more I wanted to caress Christina’s bleeding corpse, and sob until God and His angels could hear me in Heaven.

Why God, why?  I would angrily scream at myself. How could You let this happen?! Christina was a blessing and a gift to humanity! She didn’t deserve this!

As I have been sifting through the influx of Google search results these past few several nights in an effort to get to the bottom of this, this story eerily feels like it’s coming out of a horror movie script. Not only did Loibl seemingly have a motive to assassinate her in her own cold, dead blood, police have pieced together evidence that his social media accounts display a vile hatred to nearly all Christians.

Which begs me to ask the dire question, “What sorts of Christians?”

The stereotyped Bible-thumping fundamentalists?

The mega-pastors who run churches with tens of thousands in attendance every Sunday?

The angry, “hateful” street preachers armed with megaphones and signs that read very bluntly “Jesus Saves” and “God Hates Fags?”


Believe it or not, I used to be exactly this type of “Christian”


Because if these are the “Christians” you purport to antagonize, Kevin Loibl, I can clearly  understand where your hatred is coming from. But I want to personally write a note to you as well, and say that this so-called connotation of Christian you so vigilantly adhere to, can be said about the same connotations I have when associating with “militant atheists”—individuals such as Richard Dawkins, who continuously enjoy tearing the Bible to shreds (and in a very sadistic kind of manner, I must add) and want to declare to every last “Christian” on the planet that we’re all as high and intoxicated as the people who smoke shitloads of marijuana all the time—and classmates and acquaintances who develop very similar trains of thought as he does.

But Kevin, you are sorely misguided as I am when having to converse with my acquaintances about a topic as controversial and jaded as religion and faith. There are, in fact, several distinctions within the academic communities of religious studies and theology that explicitly define the difference between blind adherence and authentic spirituality. [2]

Christina Grimmie, the girl you had shot and killed on Saturday, mind you, is the latter of the two.

During all my years following her accounts and listening to her music—not once had I ever heard her curse non-Christians out on camera, or use Jesus’ name to spearhead some sort of misaligned political agenda of any sort. Not once did she openly condemn anyone—so what in your wrongly twisted mind made you presume she was out to condemn you?

According to all eyewitness accounts and police reports compiled thus far, she was actually ready to hug you—HUG YOU—YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE—YOU, WHO COULD ONLY THINK IN THOSE TWO SECONDS, “Hey, I better kill this girl. She really pisses me off…[3]

She never has had any intention to cause harm to you or any of her millions of fans and closest family—and yet, you had nothing better to do than shoot her.

And why? All because of her devout faith in Jesus Christ? Give me a break.

Long rant and gross sobbing aside, Christina is a girl very near and dear to my heart, who has not only inspired me to keep going as well, but is in fact a girl I say is very much loved by God and, while clearly not perfect and flawless herself, is a very genuine Christian  in every sense of the words I am typing right now.

Moreover, while I do not know her views on how LGBTQ people are, I can only imagine that she would have greeted her non-heterosexual fans and friends the same way she has greeted everyone else in her twenty-two years of life on planet Earth—with open arms, an open spirit and most importantly—and I will never, ever downplay this—a heart full of God’s unconditional love, one of pure gold.

As a matter of fact, if she isn’t a saint up there in Heaven right now, I would also like to knock on God’s door one day and ask Him why.

Rest in Peace, beautiful girl. I hope to see you singing in that choir of angelic voices when my time comes as well. God bless you. O:)

In Loving Memory of Christina Victoria Grimmie (1994‒2016)


I Will Love You Always  #PrayforOrlando #NotOneMore  💖 😢

Bible Verse of Inspiration:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is  with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9 (NKJV)

[1] http://www.smobserved.com/story/2016/06/11/news/kevin-james-loibl-shot-and-killed-christina-grimmie-because-she-was-a-christian/1425.html

[2] http://www.americanunitarian.org/fristadfundamentalism.htm

[3] http://www.people.com/article/woman-claims-witnessed-christina-grimmie-shooting


This Blog is On an Indefinite Hiatus


If you are reading this, I am semi-retiring this blog. I am not very active with it, and only come back to it if friends and family happen to reference it or remind me this blog still happens to exist. But I am officially putting it into hiatus.

My apologies to everyone who has enjoyed reading my posts these past few years, but I have finally decided of putting this thing into the Internet Archives. All my old posts will still be here though, don’t worry.

And for those who would still like to contact me, e-mail and Facebook are preferred.

Thank you.

Signing off,

Joshua Chen 🙂

Remembering Christ during the Holidays and the New Year Ahead

Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Immanuel.[b] Curds and honey He shall eat, that He may know to refuse the evil and choose the good. For before the Child shall know to refuse the evil and choose the good, the land that you dread will be forsaken by both her kings. 

~ Isaiah 7:14 ‒ 16 (NKJV)

Aside from Easter, Lent, Chinese New Year and the Mid-Autumn Festival, the Holidays have always been my favourite time of year. As a child, I remember cherishing every Christmas Day morning, waking up to see presents sitting under the tree, and Christmas evening, reflecting on the birth of the Christ child and His nativity.

Every year, I also commemorate and celebrate my own birthday, with family beside me. But as the years go by, my birthday wishes have graciously evolved with me. Instead of asking Santa Claus for the latest toy, computer game, or DVD, I have increasingly taken the time to think about college (and my life after it), my finances and the future.

And… to be honest with you, the future is a very scary afterthought.

With my family putting the same expectations on me since I was that little boy sitting around our gargantuan TV in the family room, watching Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and of course, Phineas and Ferb’s Christmas Vacation (a nod to Peanuts as well)—every Christmas seems to feel more burdensome.

Just this year alone, the media continuously reminds the masses of the dystopia we are nearing closer and closer to—if we are not already living in it. Tireless arguments over gun violence, terrorist attacks, and the minimum wage dominate not only American but also international headlines. Republicans and Democrats alike, in lieu of next year’s Presidential elections, mutually seem to agree that our nation’s future is at stake.

But every Yuletide, I am humbly reminded of the story of a little boy, born into a lowly, impoverished family on the other side of the globe, during the reign of a despotic king in utter turmoil, acting as a protectorate to Rome. It is this very story, in fact, that has not only inspired generations of authors to recreate modern male protagonist figures in the image of this little Palestinian Jewish boy, but still warms the hearts and souls of billions today.


For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon[d] his shoulder,
and his name shall be called[e] Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

 ~ Isaiah 9:6 (ESV – UK)

Amidst all the violence, corruption and war of these times, we should all be continuously reminded that the true Spirit of Christmas was and still is about Christ, and the journey his parents have had to take in order to make he was delivered safely and soundly.

Very much like my own birth, not so ironically… 😉


Honouring the Holy Family by philliplight © Tumblr 2015

But in order to fully understand the significance of this tale that has been overly idealised, domesticated, and exported in the form of centuries of imperialism and modern-day commercialism, we must be able to put the Holy Family back into their Middle Eastern heritage, appropriately, as they ought to deserve.

Two thousand years ago, Palestinians were the first followers of his message, and whether particularly religious or not, we take that lineage quite seriously.  We are the protectors of his traditions, the original stewards of his good news.

In our ongoing struggles, we Palestinians see Jesus every day. He was told that he was not welcome in his native land.  He fought against an absolute, ruthless, occupying power. He stood by his message, no matter the cost.  He went through rebellion, rejection, abandonment, suffering, and, eventually, vindication.  I have no doubt we are following his exact path.  Jesus was a Palestinian back then, and he would have been one today too.

~ An excerpt from Jesus, the Radical Palestinian Activist

There are those who currently see a link between the Nativity story and the ongoing crisis with modern Middle Easterners who are escaping war, famine and drought[1]. One thing is for certain: The Christ of history and steward of three of the world’s greatest faiths [Judaism, Christianity and Islam] was born in this same war-torn region of modern times, and I believe he would be just as appalled with the scale of destruction occurring in the Levant right now, as well as all of the political blaming and finger pointing, as he has clearly done over two millennia ago.

My heart sincerely goes out to all those who are not only directly affected by these situations, but because I too am appalled by the destruction and loss of life. My own grandparents (on both sides) fled Mainland China, en route to Taiwan, in the few years before Mao’s forces finally occupied Beijing in 1949. The relocation wasn’t easy at first, but with time and grace, they’ve learned to settle down and start their own families, knowing that their ancestral homeland would never be the same again.

My warmest wishes to this hurting world. God bless y’all, and here’s to an amazing 2016!

#PrayersfortheMiddleEast #Shalom #As-salamualaykum


Peace Under One God by fullwhitemoon © deviantART 2015

Closing Song:


You belong to a patient God. Not to a hurry up and fix yourself God, but a be still and let me heal you God. Not a why do you keep doing this God, but a God who gives you the keys to break the cycle. God is patient, and He is pleased to take His time with you.

~ Unka Glen


[1] http://thefederalist.com/2015/11/18/the-christmas-story-is-about-christ-not-obamas-syrian-refugee-policy/


If I Had Come Out Sooner…

Had the inspiration to write this while thinking of something catchy and jingly in my sleep this morning. Yes, I sleep-write and think too. A one-shot poem that I originally was thinking of turning into a rap. Enjoy! 😀

If I had come out sooner, four years ago, what would you have said?

Would you have embraced me, or shook your head in dismay?

Roll your eyes disgustingly, and yell, “Be gone filthy sinner! You are no longer welcome to stay!”

As I would have curled up into a miniscule ball and cry,

Sob and wail so loud from the depths of my heart

God, do You still love me?  😭


For you see, I too grew up in church learning all about the Golden Rule

But in a church that stressed discipline and righteousness,

I would begin to question those ancient words of Paul

I would read each line, meticulously,

Tirelessly, Endlessly,

Searching for answers,

Searching for affirmation,

Searching for love


Although my mouth would sing most days, “Jesus, Lamb of God,”

My heart would endlessly weep,

Thinking, “God, if You are there, do You still care about Me?”

Only to end up feeling all alone


Many nights, I too would get down on my knees,

Thinking, maybe I could pray the gay away

Their voices so loud, so shrill,

Screaming out “Liar, Devil, Blasphemer!”


And then I’d remember Jesus

How He was crucified

How He wept for those people

And how He says He loves them

the_look_of_jesus__ipad_finger_painting__by_chaseroflight-d658ofd (2)

The Look of Jesus. iPad Finger Painting. by chaseroflight © 2013 deviantART

“Lord, I’m disabled

But you are still able

“Lord, I don’t want to keep hiding this,” I would plead,

Swallowing my pride, my ego and my shame

So then I tell Him, “Lord do You still love me if I really am gay?”

And then He’d speak to my heart, Yes Josh, I still love you anyway.


Through the tears, I’d tell Him everything

“Lord, I feel like giving in to the hate

My family, my friends, they say I’m a sinner

And that You hate me

I thought You hate my sin.”


And then I’d hear Him whisper,

“Son, you are more than that

You are more than your sins

For I fearfully and wonderfully made you


And that is why I now love my queer friends, in the name of Jesus. You guys are my brothers and sisters too. ❤

You’re welcome in my church 🙌 ⛪


Photo Credits to Brian Lempin @ The 202

Special Thanks/Shout Out to my Mormon-Baptist brother Anthony Xiaver Diaz for writing poetry as well! ❤

The Song That Inspired this Poem:

For Further Reading:

I Was Kicked Out Of My Church For Being Gay—And God Still Loves Me 🙂


That Beautiful Place in Between: Reborn as a Bi-Romantic Demisexual Christian

We can use our own pain to understand the pain of all living beings. Having learned to accept our own suffering patiently, if we then think of the suffering of all the other living beings trapped in samsara, compassion will arise naturally.

~ Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

ELEVEN MONTHS AGO, I HAD ENOUGH. Enough of suppressing a deeply hurtful part of my soul—equal to the pain of knowing I have and live with cerebral palsy, each and every single day. My mom first skimmed through my Aiming for Inclusion column last October, after receiving a copy in her e-mail. She was appalled to see the Phinerb artwork I had posted. It was then, on one Sunday afternoon, October 20, 2013, we finally sat down and talked things out for over an hour regarding my bi-romantic/bisexual attractions.

As a boy, I too had heard that men cannot romantically love other men, much less physically and sexually, because it is sin in the Bible. But as a young, naive middle schooler, I had started to question this doctrine, as my body began to experience the onset of puberty, and my infatuations and fantasies with being intimately close with my male friends amplified—from mere dreams to cravings.

The morning of February 15, 2008—a morning that is etched into my memory—my heart died a little more inside when I became aware that my former friend Tim—a boy whom I had practically regarded as my brotherly equal up to that point in time—was getting on a plane to fly off to Texas. For months afterwards, I would sob intensely, every time an image of him popped into my head, thinking if I could just hold him tightly, for once.

I just did not expect the hatred I would receive from him four summers later, and the remnants of our once seemingly queerplatonic bromance, go up in flames.

I am now permanently over him—and in the process of getting over some of my other heterosexual male crushes at the moment—but my need to label my affections still remain, like an itch that is dying to be scratched.

© 2014 THE ADVOCATE Online Magazine

© 2014 THE ADVOCATE Online Magazine

In my disenchantment, from both my high school—and now, college—youth groups, I have open and honest talks with my newfound friends in my community college’s Gay-Straight Alliance—several whom have also bitterly walked away from Christianity and the church, post-high school—that THE SOLE REASON why I remain fervent in my faith is because, I had pledged, as that little boy, in the depths of my heart and soul, that the God I serve is a loving, forgiving, understanding and merciful God, and that I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO, much to the disgruntlement of many of my theologically conservative church brothers and sisters.

1. God’s love is relentless.
2. God’s love is bigger than your problems.
3. God’s love is bigger than your diagnosis.
4. God’s love is bigger than your depression.
5. God’s love is bigger than your lust.
6. God’s love is bigger than your fears.
7. God’s love is bigger than your debts.
8. God’s love is bigger than your anger.
9. God’s love is bigger than your enemies.
10. God’s love is bigger than your mistakes.
11. God’s love is bigger than your failures.
12. God’s love is bigger than your atheism.
13. God’s love is bigger than your agnosticism.
14. God’s love is bigger than your religious piety.
15. God’s love is bigger than your self-righteousness.
16. God’s love is bigger than your sexual orientation.
17. God’s love is bigger than your questions.
18. God’s love is bigger than your broken heart.[1]

These eighteen maxims, featured on the GayChristian101 website, beautifully summarize what every believer in Christ should already know—that the Father’s Heart is relentless for us to understand His character, and, although His essence is unchanging, His love—demonstrated through Jesus of Nazareth—is transcendent of every flaw, sin, mishap, mistake, and imperfection that we presume ourselves to be.

This being said, what is increasingly disheartening to me—as a young man with a physical disability, conditioned to conform to a lifestyle that enforces legalistic teachings in order to be a “godly” person worthy of saving—is that the very people who have brought me up in the Evangelical community, who have raised me, since my boyhood, are also so volatile in judging everything they perceive to be as “un-Christian,” and then label me a Judas Iscariot if I merely question any of their doctrines.

I recently have been receiving more of these remarks, both from family and several church friends, every time I appeal to them that Queers deserve the same chance at receiving God’s love and forgiveness:

It’s sad that you don’t stick to the Word of God Josh. That’s sad. And is wrong. I don’t agree with this. Either you believe in Jesus and go to Heaven, or don’t believe in Him and suffer in Hell burning forever. Goodnight Josh. Why is this happening to you?

~ One such message on my Facebook

One of my Christian bros (withholding his name to respect his privacy) wrote this in response to me challenging him, “How can there only be a set quota of people who are saved, and billions of others who are not?” He re-posted a graphic on his Facebook Wall last week, of a statistic that reads 370,000 airline pilots in the US would be raptured at the time of the futuristic Rapture, and is a big fan of the reboot of the new Left Behind movie.[2]

I rebutted that he and I are not even Jehovah’s Witnesses, so formulating such a number seems preposterous. 😛

Moreover, I do not intend to call my friend out here to make him an enemy. Au contraire, although he may see me as some sort of a “traitor” to the faith, I in fact affirm the same beliefs as he does, but now strongly advocate that God is more than the image of an angry tyrant of the Old Testament. He never enjoys smiting sinners, contrary to perceptions in popular culture, but is always merciful.

If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

~ 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NRSV)

I had decided to write Phineas in the (Prayer) Closet for this very reason as a matter of fact, as my heartfelt response to the rejection many who come out in the church must feel, and to the legalistic teachings of many of these unwelcoming churches. As followers of Jesus, no one wants to actually un-follow Jesus. True, we may leave Him for a time, create distance, or even reject Him out of our fear and anger of the unknown, when push comes to shove. I am no exception. But there is a reason why He continuously beckons us to return to Him, as his beautifully broken and wounded prodigal sons and daughters.

No matter our ethnicity, orientation, disability, socioeconomic status, or politics. #Galatians3:28

From "How to Reconcile Your Christian Faith with Your Gay Life" © 2014 wikiHow

From “How to Reconcile Your Christian Faith with Your Gay Life” © 2014 wikiHow

Realize that your faith is your faith ‒ nobody has the right to tell you that it isn’t real, or that it isn’t good enough. Christian faith is a deeply personal and intimate relationship between you and Jesus Christ. Sometimes, church-going people forget this, and instead become fixated on the dogma, or the rules, of their particular church denomination. Don’t fall prey to giving too much weight to the opinions of other humans. Instead, rely on God, and remember that only God can put on your heart what He wants from you. As you grow in your relationship with Him, you will know what things He wants you to change or to work on. Again, listen to Him.[3]

Via bravegirlrecovering © 2014 Tumblr

I still boldly acknowledge my conservative upbringing (I’m informed, not ignorant, mind you), and the values I learn from it of course, but as the 21-year-old young man now standing before you all today, I am finally courageous enough to say, “My heart is transformed, and deeply humbled,” and given all that I have already gone through, I will continue to try very hard to make the best of things as I can. Even if they’re far from perfection. 🙂

Me with my bi girl Junessa Segundino at Ohlone College's Club Days | February 26, 2014

Me with my bi girl Junessa Segundino at Ohlone College’s Club Days | February 26, 2014

And just in case you’re wondering, yes, I am still a single virgin, happily looking forward to the day I can fall in love with, date, and marry a loving Christian boyfriend or girlfriend.

tumblr_n9gp8dazkn1tpehgco1-6_1280 (2)

You’re both very beautiful men in my eyes. ALWAYS ❤

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep lowing concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

~ Jefferson Bethke, from his book Jesus > Religion: Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder, Doing More, and Being Good Enough

This Bi Visibility Day, I’m not only going LOUD. I’m going to listen. It’s one of several reasons why I’m a Psychology undergrad in the first place, and still heavily spiritual. God bless. ❤


Inspirational Song Time:


For Further Reading:

Meet the Young, Evangelical, Pro-Gay Movement! 😀

Special Thanks to the nakedpastor (AKA David Hayward) © 2012 nakedpastor™

Special Thanks to the nakedpastor (AKA David Hayward) © 2012 nakedpastor™

Reblogged from my Tumblr:


I want more books and movies with people with disability, but the disability is not important for the plot. Please.

My mom and I are soon publishing a book about my childhood experiences growing up with cerebral palsy, but I agree. We are more than our disabilities.

Cerebral palsy may be the umbrella I have to live in, but I have the same concerns (academics, finances, social life, dating life, etc) as any able-bodied person does. No matter what your ethnicity, religion, or romantic/sexual orientation. Or disability. 🙂

Phineas in the (Prayer) Closet

The world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are. ~ Sirius Black

A MONTH AGO, while Phineas’ family decides to sit in on a more strictly conservative church service this time around, after being encouraged by a family friend, he could have never expected the words he was going to hear:

“Think back on your life,” a woman standing from the podium begins instructing in a harsh tone. “When was the last time you got down on your knees and spent some time with the Almighty, the Creator of the Universe?”

The congregation sits in dead silence.

“When was the last time you’ve seriously had a talk with Him? Confessed your sins to Him?

“Heck, how often do y’all pray, huh?” No one dares to raise a hand, or move a muscle.

As the message drags on, the more Phineas would grow conscious of some unspoken guilt—until he couldn’t stand this anymore. Holding back pain and tears, he quietly excuses himself and leaves the sanctuary until the service concludes.

His family obviously takes notice, but no one says a word the entire drive home.

“Phineas, what’s wrong?” Ferb would kindly ask his stepbrother.

“N-nothing Ferb,” Phin stutters at first, and lets out a remorseful sigh. “I just feel really uncomfortable with the speech that lady just gave a few hours ago during service today, that’s all.”

But Ferb could tell Phineas was still hiding something very painful inside of him.

“I need to use the bathroom, if that’s alright with you Ferb,” Phineas spontaneously blurts out for Ferb to hear, and turns for a few seconds to face him.

“Go ahead, Phin. If you need anything, I’ll be in our bedroom,” Ferb replies with a warm grin on his face.

In contrast to his brother’s reassuring face, Phineas’ heart and soul was grieving. Grieving with pains that only God Himself could possibly understand. Trudging up the steps and flicking on a light in the upstairs bathroom, he turns on the faucet and starts to wash his face.

With every consecutive splash of water, Phineas eventually stops and stares back intently at his remorseful reflection in the mirror. His drooping sad eyes seem to tell the whole story—memories that suddenly re-emerge in his head that he had been trying to suppress all these years.

He wants to cry, but instead reaches for a towel to dry his face off, the voices trying to break his heart and crush his spirit all in the meantime…

It’s over, he quietly says to himself. I can’t go on like this anymore.

Letting out another remorseful sigh and putting his face towel down, Phineas quietly flickers off the bathroom light and paces towards the bedroom.

But before turning the handle, he shortly pauses and wonders if Ferb was already inside.

I can’t face him like this, came his initial thought, eyes lowering to the carpet he was standing on.

Can he understand how I’m feeling right now? Let alone, would he?

Phineas knew he and Ferb have shared so much of their daily lives together, ever since they were practically toddlers. But he also had an inkling of why it feels increasingly hard to suddenly face him now—because of his unwavering love, respect and devotion for Ferb.

He was also equally afraid of facing even more pain and rejection…

The other side of Phineas: Useless Phineas by 14AmyChan © deviantART

The other side of Phineas: Useless Phineas by 14AmyChan © deviantART

Sucking in his chest, Phineas slowly turns the knob on the door. “Ferb,” he calls.

“Yeah Phin?” Ferb replies, glancing up from a book he was musingly reading in bed.

“I wasn’t sure if you were in here earlier, so I hesitated a bit before coming in,” Phineas murmurs, trying to look away from Ferb, nervously reaching the back of his neck with his left arm.

“It’s fine, Phin. There was no harm in here anyways,” he gently responds and smiles.

“How are you so calm at this moment?!” Phineas suddenly starts yelling from the top of his lungs. “I mean, for as long as we’ve known each other, you’re always the quiet one. And the calmest.”

Yell by kiki-kit © deviantART

Yell by kiki-kit © deviantART

Phineas now wishes he did not just lash out at his stepbrother, and nearly slaps himself in the face for it, and lets out another painful sigh. Dammit! Why did I just yell at him?

“Phin…” Ferb now says, seeing Phineas slouch over in an almost half-dead appearance.

This is all your fault, Flynn. All your flying fault!

Infuriating with burning anger and pain, evidently, Phineas gets so pissed, he loses his stance and collapses on the floor.

“Phin!” Ferb now shouts from the top of his lungs, dropping the book that he was just reading onto the bed, and sprints over to where Phineas now lay: stone cold and passed out. Going with his first gut instinct, Ferb steadily lifts up his stepbrother in his arms, noting the morose and deeply sullen expression on Phineas’ face. Ferb wished he could do something to appeal to his brother’s broken heart, but no words could seem to describe the lamentations he was now vehemently experiencing within his own soul.

''Please, Phineas, stay alive...I need you'' by ValeRossi1416 © deviantART

”Please, Phineas, stay alive…I need you” by ValeRossi1416 © deviantART

Like a loyal soldier aiding a fallen comrade, Ferb slowly and tediously carries Phineas over to his own bed, the christened SS Phineas, gently tucks him in and kisses him goodnight.

I can only imagine the turbulent storms his soul must be going through right now at this very moment, Ferb quietly contemplates to himself, sitting at the foot of his bed in silence.

True to Ferb’s thoughts, Phineas feels a steady darkness shroud his dreams:

He suddenly finds himself standing in the middle of a pitch-black forest, with not a soul in sight to whom he could holler to or call for help. Phineas clutches a wrinkled piece of paper in his hand—a sketchy drawing of Ferb he carries on his person in times of deep distress. He did not know why he was here, or why an eerie mist was shrouding his view from creatures that could be lurking within his vicinity.

His hands tremble furiously as he holds up his drawing of Ferb, and cries, wishing Ferb were here to protect him.

Loneliness by sakataozuraGX © deviantART

Loneliness by sakataozuraGX © deviantART

A lone gray wolf howls far off in the distance.

Phineas dreadfully shakes. Where am I God? he sobs, fearing as though legions of demons would jump out and try to devour him at any moment.

“You’re in Purgatory,” a voice eerily moans somewhere near Phineas’ vicinity.

“Who are you?” he calls out to the voice, quivering in fear and feeling the hairs on his neck stand up on end.

“Me?” the voice now laughs in a wicked and distorted manner. “I AM YOU,” the figure slowly appears from out of the mist, now suddenly speaking in Phineas’ own voice.

Nowhere To Hide by FriendsForFood © deviantART

Nowhere To Hide by FriendsForFood © deviantART

Coming face-to-face with the embodiment of his own grotesque self, Phineas cowers in sheer trepidation, arms covering his head and face, and starts to rock back and forth in a fetus position.

“No, no, this can’t be happening!” Phineas screams. “You aren’t here, devil! Go away!”

The evil Phineas laughs again. “And why would I do that, huh?” he haughtily scoffs, putting his hands on his hips and evilly smirks.

“Because you’re evil, and I’m good! That’s why! Now shoo!” Regular Phineas attempts to rebuke the grotesquely looking figure.

“And if I don’t?”

Phineas did not give an answer, still quivering and blubbering like a baby.

“Oh, and by the way, I have a little something I think you remember!” the demon tempts Phineas, now revealing Perry in his arms.

“PERRY! NO!” Phineas cries and tries to reach out for him, the demon continuing to mock regular Phineas incessantly. “YOU LET HIM GO!”

“Oops…” the demon sarcastically jeers Phineas, trying to make him reach for Perry, who is also just as fearful for his own life and safety.

“Phineas! Phineas, save me!” Perry suddenly cries out.

Aghast, he could not believe what he had just heard as clear as day. “Perry, you can talk?!”

“Well, it is your dream,” Perry gently confesses, lowering his head down solemnly a bit.

“This isn’t a mere dream, Perry. I think this is a NIGHTMARE!” Phineas shouts, still wishing he could hold Perry in his arms.

“Well, good luck bub!” the demon cackles. “You’ll have to get through me to get your Perry back!”

“I WILL GET HIM BACK! YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE! YOU DON’T DEFINE WHO I AM!” Phineas boldly stands up for himself now for the very first time, and prepares to face down his own demon.

If you hurt my Platypus, I'll hurt you. by Melanieh999 © deviantART

If you hurt my Platypus, I’ll hurt you. by Melanieh999 © deviantART

The hours slowly pass as Ferb sits straight up in his own bed, anxiously watching over Phineas like a hawk from across the room. He figured the only way to comfort his brother was to first let him rest.

He did seem like he had a very stressful moment this morning in church, Ferb would ponder to himself as he takes a break from reading his book.

“I just hope he’s okay,” he now mutters under his own breath.

Phineas momentarily shifts his body in Ferb’s direction, indicating he’s in NREM sleep.

Hope he didn’t just hear me, Ferb thinks aloud to himself again, nervously biting his lower lip.

The hours tick by into the late afternoon, shortly before dinnertime.

Phineas invariably wakes up from his nap with loud, irritable coughing.

“Need some water, Phin? Or tea? I’ll be happy to brew you a cup of Earl Grey,” Ferb gladly exclaims, greeting his companion awake to another warm smile, now sitting next to him.

“Tea sounds soothing, Ferb. Thanks,” Phineas sleepily replies, rubbing his eyes in slow and sluggish circles.

“How long was I out?” noticing he was already tucked into bed.

“About four hours,” Ferb replies. “You passed out after throwing that fit of rage at me earlier,” he now says in a melancholy voice.

“Right…look,” Phineas tries to start giving his explanation, and briefly sighs.

“I want to apologize about why I was so pissed off earlier,” Phineas starts confessing solemnly, breathing slowly, eyes lowering to the blankets covering his lower torso. “Several points that lady made in church today made me really irritable.

“I know Phin, I know,” Ferb listens attentively, nodding with understanding and compassion.

“I’ll have Dad brew you some tea for your throat, alright Phin?” Ferb kindly offers Phineas, now standing up, walking over to the nightstand, and placing a hand on Phineas’ to show his courtesy. “Be right back!”

With Ferb barging out the door to find Lawrence, Phineas lethargically sinks back into bed with a soft groan. God, I feel awful.

How am I supposed to tell him? He still ponders over this haunting thought meticulously.

“If only Perry were here,” Phin now softly mutters, eyes now glancing toward the door.

Phineas often did not experience hangovers, due to his overly optimistic resilience and ambitions, but on days like this, nothing felt more regenerating than snuggling up under the covers and forgetting about the world for just a day.

Perry was his other comfort companion—or in this case, comfort pet.


Phineas and Perry by meow-meow211298 © deviantART

Phineas and Perry by meow-meow211298 © deviantART


As years of memories come sweeping back into Phineas’ mind, he starts to hold back tears again. He really wanted to snuggle with his Perry in his time of need.

Choosing to not dwell on his melancholic thoughts any longer, Phineas groaningly rotates himself to turn off the light on the nightstand and closes his eyes yet again, still with a lingering ill feeling in his stomach.

Downstairs, Ferb maneuvers his way into the kitchen, where he and Lawrence offer to brew up a steaming cup of Earl Grey and set aside a plate of crumpets for Phineas.

“Phin not feeling well, eh son?” Ferb’s dad now sadly inquires the green-haired lad.

“No Dad, not at all,” Ferb could only reply, downtrodden.

“He was about to apologize to me, but I excused myself because I figured he better have this tea for his throat first.” Lawrence nods affirmatively.

“Go easy on him then Ferb, my son,” he says with a warm look in his eyes. The assuring, fatherly kind of look.

“I will Dad. Of course,” Ferb vows as he embraces his biological father for a mere minute before taking the tea and crumpets up to the bedroom.

Phineas lay shivering and whimpering under the covers, praying that his ill feelings and remorse would go away. But the more he shivered, the colder his body seemed to feel, as though he was entering a state of hypothermia.

“Please God…” he finally utters a faint, weak cry. “Forgive me.”

97. Lost by kik-kit © deviantART

97. Lost by kik-kit © deviantART

As tears began to silently stream down his face, he hears a voice echo in the silence.

“Phineas…” It was his biological father Francis.

“What’s wrong, my boy?” the older redheaded man would now ask, placing a hand on Phineas’ shoulder.

Phineas dared to not look at his father, for fear of ostracization and judgment, but only continued crying.

“Dad,” he sniffles. “Dad, I—”

“I can’t look at you, Dad.”

“But why not, Phin?” he asks worriedly.

“Because—because I have a secret I dare not tell anyone, not even you,” Phineas depressingly answers, his body facing away from Francis.

“Phin,” Francis now replies, embracing his son. “I understand if you miss me. I can feel it in my spirit. You visualize me being physically there in the room with you when no one else can understand the pains you are feeling, or the tears you are crying.”

“So promise me you won’t judge me when I confess this then, Dad. Please,” Phin suddenly asserts, turning to look at his dad’s face, tears still lingering in his eyes.

“I promise,” Francis reassures his son.

Be Brave by TiaPunky © deviantART

Be Brave by TiaPunky © deviantART

With a lump in his throat, Phineas admits, “I have affections for Ferb, deep, deep affections for him.”

“As your brother?” Francis asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Maybe more than that, Dad. As a boyfriend. It’s really hard to explain,” Phineas finishes saying, crestfallen, his voice lowering and trailing off.

“And do you have feelings for Isabella?”

“At this point, just as a friend,” he mutters.

“Like the ‘I got your back’ kind of friend?” Francis tries to humor with his son.

“Well, yes, but I haven’t developed deep romantic feelings for her yet,” Phineas shyly admits.

“You feel like you’re obligated to fall in love with her, huh?” Francis asks bluntly.

“In time, yes,” Phineas admits. “But I’m much closer to Ferb right now.”

“Because he’s always there for you?

“Yes Dad, yes.” Phineas emphasizes, letting out a sigh.

“I’ve always heard it’s a sin in the Bible to love another male as a romantic partner, but after you left, and he and his father joined our family, I’ve grown to be very fond of him.”

“Well, I have seen how you two connect, if that’s what you’re referring to, son.” Francis answers with a disarming smile.

“He’s the brother I always have wanted to ask for, Dad.” Phin now starts to look up and smile at his father as well. “All I ask is that you love me, hold me, and bless me.”

“And I do, son.” He re-embraces Phineas tightly. “I do.” Phineas begins crying tears of relief this time.

“Just remember that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU, no matter what you choose to be in life, Phin. Never stop smiling, and never stop loving others as you love yourself.”

“Thank you, Dad.” Phin now says with a smile spreading across his face.

PnF: Smile big boy by OneSmartIdiot © deviantART

PnF: Smile big boy by OneSmartIdiot © deviantART

“Phin, you alright?” Ferb now asks, knocking on their bedroom door. “May I come in?”

“Ferb? Ferb, is that you?” Phineas asks, still in confusion over the dream with his father he just had.

“Yeah Phin, it’s me,” he warmly replies. “I’ve brought you a steaming glass of Earl Grey tea and crumpets for you to enjoy.”

“Set them on the nightstand for now,” Phin answers, clearing his throat.

“You seem calmer now. Everything okay?” Ferb asks inquisitively, and takes a seat next to his brother on the bed.

Phineas still wouldn’t dare make direct eye contact with his brother, but gazed coldly down at his hands clasped between his legs.

“I just woke up from a dream,” he starts to say.

“Like the one you were having a few hours ago?”

“Well yes, except this one was more peaceful, and reconciling.

“Reconciling?” Ferb almost recoils at hearing the word.

“I just had a vision about seeing my dad again, and I told him something—” Phineas stops talking abruptly, to gaze into Ferb’s deep ocean-blue eyes, nearly as saturated as his own.

“Something about?” Ferb asks, puzzled.

“I think I love you Ferb,” Phineas chokes up, and steadily throws his arms around his protective stepbrother. “I’ve been trying to make sense of this for so long,” he continues sobbing.

“Please forgive me…”


It's okay, mate. --NOT MINE-- by  FossilsDaDaDa (Shared by Visigoth101) © deviantART

It’s okay, mate. –NOT MINE– by FossilsDaDaDa (Shared by Visigoth101) © deviantART



“Phineas,” Ferb utters in response. “Phineas…”

But Phin could not let go of Ferb just yet, his one true brother and dear friend.

“Phineas, it’s okay mate,” Ferb soothes his brother, patting and rubbing him gently on the back.

“I love you bro,” he utters in between his tears.

“I know bro, I know.” Ferb says, now a mellow and solemn expression also casting over his face as well.

The Seer-You Know What Happens by PnFWizard © deviantART

The Seer-You Know What Happens by PnFWizard © deviantART

When there were no more tears left to cry, Phineas could finally break away and wipe away his sniffles and tear-stained face.

“Phineas, look at me.” For the very first time on this day, Phineas could gaze up at his brother, and start to smile a little.

“You are the bravest boy I know, you know that?” Ferb says, holding Phineas’ hands.[1]

Phin had to chuckle at the very thought.

“Yes, yes Ferb. Very much,” as he would softly blush. “But I hope this doesn’t change the fact that we are still brothers,” Phin softly but happily sighs.

“No! No of course not, you dork!” Ferb jeers sarcastically at Phineas, also lightly chuckling too. “We will always be brothers, no matter what,” he compliments Phin with a smile.

“Awwww you!” Phin snickers and replies with a kiss on Ferb’s nose, while Ferb flicks his gently, as a sign of goodwill.

“But no sex…” Phin immediately asserts, raising a finger.

“Oh HELL NO bro!” Ferb says aloud. “Even if we were gay, I would so not be looking forward to that…” as he rolls his eyes disgustingly.

“Agreed,” Phineas replies, still smiling. “But you ARE looking pretty sexy right about now,” he compliments his British bro in a flirtatious manner.

“As do you bro,” Ferb replies, as Phin snickers and blushes again.

“So, do you wanna share some crumpets now?” Ferb raises the suggestion, eyeing the plate on the nightstand.

“That would be lovely!” Phineas laughs in his sarcastically humorous and mocking British accent.

As they both reach over to each take a crumpet in hand, they vow to stay brothers for as long as they live. “Cheers,” the boys would exclaim as they bumped their crumpets together, chewed, laughed, and smeared each other’s faces humorously.


Over the following month, Phineas and Ferb have bonded even closer still, even saying grace with the family at mealtimes, in church, and in their bedroom together. Phineas was no longer intimidated by the thought of his sins eating away at his soul, because he would remember that God, and his father Francis, are always willing to listen to whatever he had on his mind, heart and soul, and that he, his faithful brother Ferb, and their pet platypus Perry are eternally loved and unconditionally accepted by Him. Amen. O:)

My Bro by Lelka-Philka © deviantART

My Bro by Lelka-Philka © deviantART

And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’

~ Matthew 18:2-4 (ESV)

Phineas also pays his respects at his father’s grave on Easter Sunday.

I Believe by KicsterAsh © deviantART

I Believe by KicsterAsh © deviantART


Inspirations/Acknowledgements: Initially, when I first conceived of a concept for this fanfiction, I wanted to make Phineas a fallen angel figure, who would be left to battle the forces of evil on Earth, but later, decided it was too complicated, and refocused the story on the evil in his soul instead—ergo, what Christians call “sin.”

The opening scene where Phineas gets easily upset in the church service is in fact inspired by a real-life event that happened to me four months ago while attending church with my dear friend, Andrew Kang.

I also allude to the relationship the Biblical figures David and Jonathan have had in the Old Testament towards the end, where Phineas cries in front of Ferb, if you catch it.

Additional acknowledgements to the deviantART users from which I borrow and cite my artwork from, and to Tim Be Told, for their incredibly uplifting music.

April 25th UPDATE: This fanfiction story is actually an interquel—a prequel to Phineas Confesses He’s Bi I first wrote last November—and a sequel to Little Drummer Boys I wrote for Christmas.

Lastly, consider this as my open letter to all gay and bi Christian youth out there, who are struggling to reconcile their same-sex attractions with their faith, maybe even believing it’s not doable or possible, as I have once also strictly believed. If you feel or have previously felt like a church community is excommunicating you because of your newfound confessions and admissions concerning your orientation, I want you to remember: Jesus was rejected and despised on too, right before He went to the cross on Good Friday.

And yet we are still called to be His beloved children today.

© STEELEHOUSE MEDIA and The Skit Guys®


To close on a humble endnote, I would like to quote Ash Beckham:

So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it’s hard, but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of.

Because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyhole of their closets, looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open. So be that person, and show the world that we are bigger than our closets, and that a closet is no place for a person for a person to truly live.[2]

Don't cry, Phineas by isuzu9 © deviantART

Don’t cry, Phineas by isuzu9 © deviantART


In Loving Memory of Joseph Chen and Max Horng

The Song That Inspired This Fanfiction:

Little Drummer Boys

The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do. ~ Unknown

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN, as Phineas and Ferb are filled with Holiday Cheer.

Waking up on a cold, crisp and snowy Christmas Eve, the boys anticipate the excitement of the coming day—building giant snowmen, decorating the town with lights, stars, and streamers abound, hanging out with the rest of the gang—and later that evening, attend the yearly Nativity service at church with their wonderfully blended family.

“What are you looking forward to the most today, Ferb?” Phineas cheerfully inquires his faithful stepbrother, almost immediately changing into his winter outfit while sitting up straight in bed.

“Definitely the hot chocolate and eggnog, and the Christmas carols we’ll be hearing all around town,” he replies busily putting on his sweater at the moment.

“And you Phin?” Ferb gladly raises an eyebrow to smile back at him, placing a hand on his lap before getting up to grab his coat and scarf off the coat rack.

Phineas curiously pauses for a minute, glancing up at the ceiling. “That’s a hard one, Ferb,” he starts off saying. “You know I have a difficult time having to pick favorites.”

“It’s the presents, isn’t it?” Ferb sneers at Phin with a chuckle.

“No, not the presents. We get those every year…”

“Building snowmen? Decorating the town?”

“That’s festive, but, no.” Phin says, immediately eliminating those options from his mind.

“Kissing Isabella under the mistletoe?” Ferb sneers joyously again.

That Christmas Feeling... by KicsterAsh © deviantART

That Christmas Feeling… by KicsterAsh © deviantART

“I’d bet she’d love it, but no, that’s not it either.” Phineas laughs a little sheepishly at first, but then puts a hand on his chin in a sad and contemplative manner.

“You know I was joking about that last one, right Phin?” Ferb assures his stepbrother firmly.

“Of course, Ferb. We all know you’re quite the jokester around these parts,” Phineas now says, starting to chuckle lightly at the thought.

“Is it Perry?” Ferb interrupts, seeing that their family pet is just starting to wake up from his morning nap.

Somehow, hearing Perry’s name brings back bittersweet memories for Phineas. Glancing over at the teal-colored, fuzzy platypus now climbing up and chattering politely at the foot of his bed, he suddenly recalls the day their family brought him home from the pet store.

“Something wrong, Phin?” Ferb now starts noticing his worrisome face.

“Perhaps, Ferb. But I can’t seem to put a finger, or a hand, on my thoughts at the moment. I’m suddenly finding myself trying to recall some memory from the past that I’m not even aware of right now,” he honestly confesses to his beloved stepbrother.

“Hmm. Well, maybe the memories will slowly come back to you as the day progresses,” Ferb reassures him, placing a warm hand on Phineas’ shoulder. “But you should probably start changing into your outfit. It’s already 9:30,” Ferb advises him, tilting his head at the alarm clock.

“Alright Ferb,” Phin warmly replies with a smile. “I’ll try.”

“That’s my boy! Want me to help you get your clothes?”

“That’d be great Ferb! Thanks!” Phineas exclaims, now feeling a little more reassured than before.

After a hearty breakfast, the boys ask to be excused to the backyard to watch the snow gently fall around them. Linda happily agrees, only advising them not to be too long; otherwise, they’d miss the afternoon caroling.

Upon opening the screen door, a frosty winter wind bites their noses, as the brothers hurriedly dig their gloved hands into their coat pockets.

“Would you look at that, Ferb? The snow’s coming down nicely this year,” he happily exclaims, observing the pure whiteness of the scenery that lay before him. His inner child leaped with joy, becoming fully absorbed in the calm and serene background.

PnF - Snow Day by RatchetMario © deviantART

PnF – Snow Day by RatchetMario © deviantART

“Remember when we used to build smaller snowmen as toddlers?” Phineas turns back to ask Ferb. He gently nods.

“Wanna build a colossus one this year?” Phineas now starts squealing with delight, eyes lighting up at the image now ever glowing in his head.

“Sure Phin,” Ferb calmly replies, radiating a warm, soft grin from his face.

Perry momentarily comes walking outside. “What do you think Perry? Do you want to see us build a colossal snowman?” He gives a warm smile at Phineas, and delightfully chatters.

From "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation" Winter Vacation Opening Sequence

From “Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation” Winter Vacation Opening Sequence

Another two hours pass as the snowman outgrows the size of the house. Putting the last finishing touches on Frosty’s gargantuan carrot nose and face, Linda Flynn calls the boys in for a quick lunch, whilst reminding them of their afternoon priorities.

“We know, Mom,” Phineas replies in between bites.

“You can go across the street to wish Isabella and her family a Happy Hanukkah when you two are done, ok?”

“Ok Mom!” Phineas gives his swift response.

“C’mon Ferb! We gotta go decorate the town before the caroling begins!” he exclaims, turning to Ferb again, before pushing in their chairs at the dining room and running out the front door.

As the bros gather up the rest of the gang around Danville, everyone hurriedly starts getting into the Spirit.

And not before long, the city itself begins glistening brightly with streamers, ornaments, and wrapping paper abound, as Christmas music starts ringing throughout the streets, accompanied by a multitude of fellow Danvillians.

From "Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation" That Christmas Feeling Sequence

From “Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation” That Christmas Feeling Sequence

Despite all the festivities, however, Phineas’ sheer optimism still could not resolve the issue of the hollow memory he cannot seem to recall from this morning when he was in bed. Surprisingly, throughout the entire afternoon, he could almost imagine hearing a voice inside of him somewhere telling him that everything was going to be all right. He just needed to believe, and trust in that voice.

By nightfall, as the caroling continued in the distance, he started hearing the words to The Little Drummer Boy being sung more coherently, as the Flynn-Fletcher family approaches the local church in a horse drawn sleigh.

As Lawrence and Ferb Fletcher thank the sleigh driver for the ride, Phineas’ ears become sharply attuned and fixated on the slow and peaceful hymn.

Little baby
Pa-rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy, too
Pa-rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa-rum pum pum pum
That’s fit to give our King
Pa-rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Slowly but surely, the music jogs Phineas’ memory as he suddenly remembers a time when he and Candace were younger, years ago, their biological father would read them the story of The Crippled Lamb every Christmas Eve, as they both would snuggle up-close in his loving arms, until they fell fast asleep with warm smiles on their faces.

Thanks Daddy by Unithes © deviantART

Thanks Daddy by Unithes © deviantART

Back in the present time, as the family now strolls in through the church doors and into the main sanctuary, the boys catch a glimpse of the marvelous stained glass windows adorning the facade above the altar, and a large wooden cross hanging on the wall behind the podium. A few feet away to the right, a dazzling six-foot Christmas tree strung with lights, streamers, and ornaments sits on the stage, and right away, Phineas is amazed by the colors and the lights.

“Welcome Flynn-Fletcher family. So glad to see you all again this year,” Reverend Johnson, a man in his mid-thirties with fine hair, extends a hand of gratitude to the parents and the boys.

“Glad to see you too Reverend,” everyone immediately replies, except for young Phineas.

Noticing that his face was fixated on the tree, and then the stained glass windows above, the reverend chuckles and bends down to greet Phineas. “Enjoying a view of the sanctuary, I see, eh Phineas?” he kindly asks.

Spontaneously breaking his concentration, Phineas suddenly exclaims, “Oh, yes. Hi Pastor.”

“Good evening, my boy. Merry Christmas!” Reverend Johnson replies with a wide grin on his face and a gentle ruffling of Phineas’ hair.

“Merry Christmas to you too sir,” Phineas replies and smiles while glancing back up at the stained glass windows.

Stained_Glass_Windows (2)

“And who do we have here?” Reverend Johnson humorously greets Perry standing on the floor, stroking his head.

“Oh, that’s Perry, our pet platypus,” Phineas shortly replies, looking down at Perry.

“Why, hello Perry. Welcome to church!” the reverend exclaims, continuing to stroke his fur until you can start to hear him purr.

“As you know, I love animals, and don’t place any restrictions on families bringing their pets to services, unlike other pastors and their churches,” the reverend explains while finishing stroking Perry and standing back up to face the family. “All are welcome in the House of God!”

“Bless your heart Pastor,” Linda joyfully says to Reverend Johnson.

“Thank you Linda. We will be starting service shortly. Why don’t you all take a seat momentarily?” he gestures them towards the pews closer to the altar.

As the family slowly files past each other and takes their seats, Phineas still can’t stop staring at the tree and the stained glass windows with child-like wonder and excitement.

As the opening music starts to fade, Pastor Johnson takes his place at the pulpit on stage.

With his Bible laid out in front of his view, and a mike gripped in his right hand, he introduces tonight’s sermon:

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, children and pets, members of the LGBT community, beloved Children of God. As you all should know, tonight is a very commemorative night. What’s the occasion?”

He holds the mike out to the congregation. “Christmas Eve!” the crowd shouts in unison.

“That’s right! It’s Christmas Eve, the night before…”

“Jesus is born!” the congregation shouts again.

“Right, but only according to tradition,” Pastor Johnson now chuckles into the mike. “Most of us here should know Jesus was not really born in the wintertime. Otherwise, He’d freeze to death!” Some in the crowd start laughing raucously. “No, many scholars hypothesize Jesus Christ, our Beloved Lord and Savior was probably born during the late autumn months…around September or October.”[2]

“But in all seriousness folks, it should not matter when we celebrate the birth of the awaited Savior, but why. Amen?”

“AMEN!” the congregation shouts joyfully.

“Amen! Praise God! Now, I encourage you to open your Bibles provided in the folds in front of your seats to the Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 1.” The sound of hundreds of Bibles being opened and pages being turned furiously thunder throughout the room.

“Matthew, Chapter 1, starting with verse 18…

18 This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. 19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.


20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.’


22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 ‘The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel’[g] (which means ‘God with us’).


24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. 25 But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.”


~ Matthew 1:18 – 25 (NIV)


After he had finished reading aloud the Scripture, Pastor Johnson proceeded to elucidate on the meanings behind the famous story:

“I’m certain you’ve heard of the Nativity story many times growing up, and throughout your adult life. Mary’s the Holy Virgin who gives birth to the Son of God, who is essentially God in the flesh, God Incarnate. The Catholic Church decided to develop a doctrine in the 19th century called the Immaculate Conception, of which they bestow upon the Holy Mother of God, the Virgin Mary. This concept seems to make sense in theory, but there’s one problem with this doctrine here: the actual Scriptures do not state ‘Mary was sinless.’ It only states, ‘Mary’s a virgin, and Joseph’s her wedded husband by the Jewish law and custom of the time.’ Amen?”

“Amen!” The congregation shouts again.

As Pastor Johnson’s sermon continues, he explains his analysis on the significance of the Magi and the mysterious yet awe-inspiring Star of Bethlehem, showing a few clips from The Nativity Story to help drive the narrative:

The Birth of the Christ Child

The Visit of the Shepherds and the Magi

The Flight to Egypt

As the film credits start to roll and the hymn to Silent Night gently plays in the background, the boys cannot help themselves but sob together in each other’s company, remarking how beautiful the story is—and coincidentally, allowing the pastor to take a fifteen-minute intermission.

“You alright boys?” Pastor Johnson warmly asks, approaching the two in the aisleway.

“We’re alright Pastor, thank you,” Ferb reassures him in between the sniffles. Phin, though, still seemed to be shedding tears.

“Movie was too beautiful for you, huh Phin?” the pastor initially tries joking with him.

“Yes Pastor, but the movie brought up several vivid memories from my childhood I thought I had all but forgotten,” Phineas now confesses to the two sitting close to him. “Beautiful, but sad memories,” he finishes saying, wiping away more tears.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Phin,” Pastor Johnson now says in a sincere and solemn manner. “You are always welcome to come talk to me about them after service tonight, if you’re still feeling down. You also happen to know you have a very loving and supporting family, right?”

“Yes sir, I do. And thank you,” Phineas smiles with a gentle gaze from his tear-streaked face.

“It’ll be alright, my boy,” the pastor reassures him emotionally, before shortly having to return to the stage in a few minutes.

There it is again—that saying. ‘It’ll be alright,’ Phineas musingly ponders for a long time on those very words. What does he exactly mean when he says those words? The question continues to loom and echo inside his head…

Just then, Pastor Johnson signals the end of the intermission by preparing to speak again.

“Hello, beautiful ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’ve had an enlightening and uplifting experience so far tonight. The Nativity Story, to me, you see, is not just one of mystery, but of miracles…”

Several amens and cheers can be heard emanating spontaneously from the crowd.

“Whenever I visualize the story of the Nativity, I don’t just see the birth of a divine Christ child. I see the literal Spirit of God dwelling among us, living inside of us, and thanks to His work on the Cross, we can now live with Him,” he firmly emphasizes pointing a finger up at the sky.

More amens.

“The Scripture says, ‘For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.’

That’s from the Letter to the Hebrews, Chapter 4, verses 15 – 16.”

“That is the sole message I want to leave you with tonight, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Jesus didn’t come to this Earth to live a comfortable life. No, He came to empathize with us, understand us, and live with us. I mean, really think about it. God in the flesh—a Holy sinless God taking on the body of a mere mortal man. That’s a miracle right there,” Pastor Johnson now emphasizes, pointing a finger at his audience. “That’s the Christmas miracle.”

Applause soon erupts throughout the building, as he quietly gestures towards the worship band to play their selections of closing songs for the night. And they couldn’t have picked a more suitable track either:

As the worship leaders lead the audience into the song, and as the clapping intensifies and surges throughout the sanctuary, Phineas finds himself emotionally slain in the Spirit, raising his outstretched arms to praise the Almighty. He even starts to pray quietly under his own voice, muttering:

Lord, I thank You for Your unconditional love

I thank you for my family, my brother Ferb, our platypus Perry

Upon saying this, Phineas gently ruffles Perry’s head and smiles

Ash Wednesday by SecretagentG © deviantART

Ash Wednesday by SecretagentG © deviantART

I am amazed at the wonders You do every day for me, Lord

And I am always broken when I enter Your presence…

At this point, the music swells immeasurably, that the volume drowns out Phineas’ words. He smoothly rejoins the harmonizing of the crowd, until a roar of applause thunders from every corner of the sanctuary, ending the first song, and leading into the second one.

Pastor Johnson momentarily intercedes to give a quick prayer, eyes closed and head bowed:

Lord, You are such an awesome Father, an awesome God

No human words can ever come close to describing how magnificent You truly are

The Psalmist writes Your Hands declare the work of the heavens,

That You are a lamp unto our feet

Father God, we thank You ever so much for Your Christmas miracle

Even after two millennia, we will still never be able to fathom the depths to which Your Son was born into

But it moves our hearts and spirits every time

We praise You Father

In Jesus’ Name


The second song opens as Pastor Johnson disappears back under the spotlights into the shadows.

As the crowd steadily chants and worships with one heart and one voice, several even quietly praying in tongues, Phineas hears a voice echo and reverberate in the stillness.

“Be brave, my son.” The voice sounded exactly like that of his late father, Francis Flynn.

Phineas quietly shudders at the very thought. Could it be? he wonders.

.:Angels:. by kiki-kit © deviantART

.:Angels:. by kiki-kit © deviantART

Another verse later, Phineas hears his father’s voice again. “I am here, son. I am here with you.”

Still thinking he’s under some sort of hypnotic trance or hallucination, Phineas tries blinking a few times to see if he’s still wide awake.

Again, the voice returns. “I am here, son.”

Suddenly finding himself under a bright light, young Phineas tries to peer at the source with a hand over his eyes. As the image gradually comes into focus, he sees a man whom is none other than his father Francis, standing a few feet away from him.

“I’m here, son.” He repeats again with a wide smile across his face.

“Dad…” Phineas blurts aloud. “Dad, I thought I lost you,” he now loudly exclaims, running into Francis’ loving arms once again, trying not to sob.

“My boy, look at how you’ve grown!” Francis startlingly remarks upon observing Phineas’ current state.

“I miss you so much, Dad.” Phineas starts to say in between his sobs. “When I heard you got struck by that car so many years ago, I…I-” he can barely even continue to explain without wanting to cry and embrace his father tightly.

.:-I Miss You-:. by Spectral-Ninja © deviantART

.:-I Miss You-:. by Spectral-Ninja © deviantART

“Phineas, my boy,” Francis begins to say. “No need for apologies here.”

“But the pain hurts, Dad! I want you to come home with me!” Phineas screams with bitterness and frustration.

“My boy,” Francis would gently begin again. “My dear boy,” he says, soothing his son’s tender and broken heart. “My boy, look at where you are kneeling right now. I AM ALREADY HOME,” his voice booms and thunders as he lifts an arm to show Phineas where they currently are.

The sight is astounding. “Is this Heaven?” Phineas suddenly asks in amazement, eyes ever widening at the glorious scenery.[3]

“The edge of it, yes son,” Francis replies with another warm and grateful smile.

“Is this real?” Phineas asks again in amazement and disbelief.

Francis lightly chuckles at hearing his son’s question. “Only when you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then yes, this is real.”[4]

Phineas’ heart experiences a moment of mercy and humility. “I believe,” he utters quietly, prostrating himself in the presence of his father, as he feels Francis’ hand touch his head.

“I know you do, son, and God does too,” Phineas can coherently hear his father’s voice proclaim.

At the sound of this, Phineas rises and re-embraces his father again in smiles. “I love you Dad,” he mutters loud enough so Francis can hear.

“I love you too, Son,” Francis finally replies, this time with tears of indescribable joy streaming down his face.

As the anointing sensation slowly begins to fade, and Phineas wakes up again back on planet Earth, he blinks his eyes open again a few more times to find his family members and the pastor all staring down at him with big, wide eyes.

“Did you have any sweet dreams, Phineas?” Ferb starts asking shortly.

“Ferb? Candace? Perry? Mom? Dad? Pastor Johnson? Where am I?” Phineas starts asking, still in a daze.

“You’re lying in the pews, dear,” Linda Flynn tells him. “Pastor Johnson says you passed out during worship, and the team decided to bring you a blanket and a pillow to sleep on, so you wouldn’t be cold.”

“Where’s everyone else?” Phineas curiously asks, looking around the deserted sanctuary.

“They’ve already went home. It’s almost ten o’clock at night, Phineas,” Pastor Johnson calmly explains.

“Ten o’clock?!” he shouts. “How long have I been out for?” he gravely asks, putting a hand to his head.

“I’d say about an hour, Phineas,” Pastor Johnson answers.

Noticing that the tree is still standing there, lights aglow, he spontaneously blurts out, “Ever notice that tree has no star, sir?”

“Why yes, Phineas,” suddenly turning to face it. “But we don’t usually put the star on top until Christmas Day to commemorate the occasion,” he finishes, smiling at Phineas once more.

Turning his head in a gesture, Phineas asks, “May I, sir?” with pleading innocent eyes.

“Of course Phineas,” Pastor Johnson swiftly replies, slowly leading the family towards the colossal-looking Christmas tree.

As Phineas gets closer to the tree and the stained glass windows above, his eyes seem to light up as bright as the tree itself.

“Do you have any Christmas wishes, Phineas?” Linda Flynn gently asks her son, whose gaze is completely fixated on the tree.

Seeing his own reflection in an ornament, he joyfully replies, “Why yes. Yes, I do” and grins.

Pulling an ornament out of his pocket, and asking Ferb to activate a switch, the ornament blows up into a full-size Nativity scene, complete with Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus and animal figurines.


“What’s all this Phineas?” his parents, sister and Pastor Johnson cautiously ask the boys.

“It’s a little something Ferb and I invented in our free time. Portable figurines,” he exclaims with a smile appearing on his face again, holding up one more figurine in his palm.

“Who’s that, Phineas?” Candace spontaneously asks.

“It’s Francis, our dad, as an angel,” he replies with a loving grin.

“Francis, our biological dad?” Candace stunningly exclaims.

“Yes Candace. Our Dad. The one who used to read us that storybook every Christmas Eve before we went to bed,” he says, referring to his vision.

“You still remember that?” she asks in sheer amazement.

“Of course! Don’t you?” he replies, giving her a reassuring glance.

“Well,” she starts off, “I have, but I try not to dwell on those memories,” she now finishes with a remorseful sigh.

“It’s alright, Candace. I love both of your fathers,” Linda now assuredly says to Lawrence, Ferb and Phineas listening.

“And I am indeed very sorry for your loss,” Lawrence now says, expressing his condolences for Linda’s first husband.

“I know Lawrence,” she says, now gently kissing him on the cheek.

“Many years ago, when Francis passed away, there was a period of time where I really did believe I could never love another man as I did with him. And then God somehow led me to you,” Linda finishes her sentence, exchanging a smile with Lawrence.

“And I was there presiding over both of your wedding ceremonies!” Pastor Johnson now interjects in the sentimental conversation.

“Yes Reverend. You were. Thank you,” Linda exclaims, holding her beloved children in her arms.

“Well, would you like to do the honors, Ferb?” Phineas now asks his stepbrother, revealing another switch that would make the Francis figurine come to life.

With the press of a button, the Francis figurine grew incrementally into its life-sized form, and could even start moving and talking as well.

“Hi kids!” the figurine calls out.

“FRANCIS?!” Linda cries out, shocked by the figurine’s life-like appearance.

“Hi Linda,” the figurine now calmly greets his former wife.

You Found Me by KicsterAsh © deviantART

You Found Me by KicsterAsh © deviantART

“Oh my gosh, it is you!” she screams, running to embrace Francis, as his life-like arms held her tightly. “I never thought I’d ever see you again!” she now sobs.

“It’s okay Mom. I just saw the real one in a vision,” Phineas calmly explains, pulling at his mother’s coat.

“You have?” she asks, now in between her sobs.

Phineas gently nods. “Yes, yes I did. He’s with Jesus now,” and lets out another grin.

Under the bright Christmas lights, one can now faintly observe a cross smeared on his forehead, a sign that Phineas had received his blessing from God.

As the family wishes and bids the pastor and Francis a good night and Merry Christmas as they walk out of the church and into the snow, something sparkling—twinkling even—seemed to fall out of the clear night sky and onto Phineas’ head.

“Oof!” Phineas lets out a spontaneous cry.

It was a star! A shining Christmas star that glowed ever so bright!

“But how?” Phineas now asks himself.

Just then, the star leaps out of his hand, flies around and around in circles until it displays a message in the night sky for a good five minutes before the words fade:

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.[5] I love you, dearest Phineas.

Your Father,


Thanks for the star, Dad by 3xj © deviantART

Thanks for the star, Dad by 3xj © deviantART

Now THAT is a Christmas miracle! Phineas would smile brightly and think to himself.

“Thanks Dad!” he would joyfully cheer and wave at the sky, as the star seems to magically wave a hand back, before zooming up to the heavens, creating a sonic boom in the process.


Besides being one of the LONGEST pieces I have ever written to date, and will post on this blog, I pray that this fanfiction will be a tremendous blessing to all who read it from cover to cover.

Having seen a re-run of the Phineas and Ferb: A Christmas Family Vacation special again on TV recently, I have personally questioned the over-commercialization and popularity of Ol’ Saint Nick in mainstream culture and conceptualization, who, in reality, doesn’t bear any resemblance to the actual Saint Nicholas of history at all (sorry kiddies). 😦

Rediscovering A Christmas Icon: Nicholas the Wonderworker | Sustainable Traditions

Rediscovering A Christmas Icon: Nicholas the Wonderworker | Sustainable Traditions

Personal acknowledgements to deviant KicsterAsh for creating and conceptualizing Francis Flynn as Phineas’ biological father, as well as for every other deviantARTist I borrow artwork from in advance to use in this page-turning fanfiction.

A personal shout-out to fellow deviant SecretagentG as well, for christening Phineas and Ferb as faithful Christians. God bless you girl!  😀

Additional acknowledgements to the Hillsong United worship teams all around the world for writing and harmonizing their music to bring glory and praise to God Almighty above, and for the Church on Earth below.

The denomination the Flynn-Fletcher family attends in this story is a fictionalized mixture of the (LGBT-affirming sector) of the United Methodist Church meeting Pentecostalism, as I grew up in the (Charismatic) Pentecostal tradition, while my father was raised Methodist from my grandmother, who discovered Chinese Methodism in her younger years. My mother, on the flip side, attended an all girls’ Catholic high school in Taiwan before later on discovering Evangelical Christianity, shortly before marrying my father.

Henceforth, why I mention the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception.

In Loving Memory of Max Horng and Joseph Chen

The Titular Hymn for Whom this Fanfiction is Named for:

Phineas Confesses He’s Bi

It’s Fall in Danville, as the nights grow ever longer and the days ever shorter. Hearing the school bell ring at the end of another long day, young Phineas Flynn quietly packs his books and papers and shuffles them away in his backpack.



PnF – Hi Phineas… by sam-ely-ember © deviantART

“What’d you think of Bio lab today, Phineas?” the ever still spunky Isabella Garcia-Shapiro asks, graciously approaching his desk, presenting a warm and welcoming smile, with an intense glow emanating from her eyes.


“It was alright, Isabella” he replies with a sigh and a rather downcast look, eyes lowered to his belongings.


“What’s wrong?” she empathetically asks, placing a gentle hand of his shoulder. Just the feel of it wanted to make him cry.


“Oh baby…” Izzy goes in to hug him in an effort to soothe his worries.


“You wouldn’t understand, Isabella. I have a lot on my mind right now” he honestly replies.


“You can always tell me, Phineas. Trust me on this one.” Izzy warmly reassures him.


“I know, but…” stopping his sentence short biting his lower lip in agony.


“But?” as she waited for his response. He dared not answer, only look her in the eyes and let them do the talking. She knew he was feeling troubled, but wasn’t sure how to help him this time.


“I’m thinking about going to the school psychologist to talk out my problems, if that’s alright with you” he finishes saying, staring at her firmly in the eyes to reassure her he was being completely honest.


“I trust you. Let me know how your session goes then, huh?” Izzy warmly returns another smile and embraces Phineas in a comforting hug.


Of course, he replies and smiles, enjoying their embrace together.


Twenty minutes later, I hear a soft knock on my door. “Hello? Dr. Chen?” Phineas calls, wondering if I’m still in the office.


“Ah, Phineas. I’ve been expecting you. Come on in!” I reassure him with a large grin across my face.


He gently shuts the door behind him, slowly takes off his backpack hanging off his shoulder, places it on a chair, and pulls up the one next to it.


“What seems to be bothering you today, son?” I start slowly.


“Well, sir…You mind if I call you sir?” he beams the question back at me, only glancing up for a few short seconds.


“You can call me ‘sir’, Josh, it doesn’t matter Phineas,” I gently reply with another smile.


“Well Josh,” this time saying my name emphatically, “I’ve been feeling down lately” eyes lowered to his cupped hands placed between his jeans.


“Is it the girlfriend?” I ask curiously.


“No sir,” he nods his triangle-shaped head sadly.


“Is it Candace?”


Again, another ‘no.’


“She’s gone off to college now, in search of Jeremy,” he softly replies.


“Does it feel different or awkward now that she’s not busting you and Ferb all the time?” I ask professionally.


“Yes, but she’s much more mature now, and has learned to take responsibility for herself,” Phineas spontaneously says with a light grin.

Peace between Phineas and Candace (animated) by jaycasey © deviantART

Peace between Phineas and Candace (animated) by jaycasey © deviantART


“And what about your pet platypus Perry? Still see him around at home?”


“Well yes, except when he runs off in the middle of the day. Though Ferb and I always love having him around,” this time starting to chuckle at the comforting image he now conjures up in his head.

Perry Misses Phineas and Ferb (animated) by jaycasey © deviantART

Meanwhile… | Perry Misses Phineas and Ferb (animated) by jaycasey © deviantART


“And what of your stepbrother Ferb?” I continue asking, seeing if there’s a clue I can begin to pick up in the conversation.


“He’s the man!” comes Phineas’ first reply, followed by, “He’s such a great bro to have” and smiles to himself again, eyes gradually lighting up at the thought of his brother.


Now I think I’m getting somewhere! I scream with utter delight in my head, leaning gently over to Phineas from the other side of the desk.


“I’ll bet,” I say, rubbing him gently on the shoulder. “Anything else you have to say about him?”


“Well…” Phineas hesitates and freezes for a few short seconds.


“I love him. And not just in the normal brotherly way either” he eventually confesses, as if blurting out something so harsh and vindictive, it eats away at the very essence of his soul.


“I can tell” I beam a look back at him. “Judging from your shyness and that look you have that you’re literally sick to your stomach, I can tell,” I finish my sentence and lean back into my comfortable lumbar chair.


“You see, I was experiencing the very feelings you are feeling right now at your age. It was all very confusing. I often just kept my distance from a lot of people” I reassure him.


“But when did you finally… you know?” hesitating to ask.


“When I was 20 and in college,” I slowly answer, filling in his question. “My parents didn’t take it very well at first, even though they know the presence of LGBT people in our society.”


“Right,” Phineas gently nods, allowing me to proceed.


“My confession was just as painful as yours, Phineas. To admit with all my heart and soul that I’m attracted to both men and women. But I indeed still do… and am actually still very single,” I humorously toss the joke at him.


Phineas giggles, staring right back at me in the eyes, with one of the softest expressions I have ever seen emanate from the face of a teenager his age. He was being gravely honest, I could tell.


“So any suggestions you have for me, Doc?”


“Oh, I don’t know…” I slyly say twirling my pen at the moment. “Why don’t I let your brother have a say in this?”


Gesturing a hand towards the door, a now tall and dark green-haired Ferb walks into the room.


“Ferb? You invited Ferb to my counseling session?!” Phineas almost exclaims in a surprised frenzy.


“But of course, my dear boy. I do enjoy group sessions after all!” I humorously chuckle again, holding my hands close to my face.


“You want me to fill in on what’s going on Doc?” Ferb now asks in that suave British accent of his.


“Yes, please Ferb” I gesture towards him and Phineas, now taking a seat next to his stepbrother.


With a slow yet equally painful sigh, Ferb makes his remarks. “Phineas, I’ve known for several months now. The way you’d look at me in the eye the same way you’d look at Isabella, always glowing, always intelligent…always vibrant. Remember when we held hands in that Tower we constructed many summers ago?”


Ferb pauses to let Phineas give an agreeable nod at him.


“Even in those few short seconds, I knew there was something special about youthe way we’d stare into each other’s eyes and see the whole world living in them.”


From "Escape from Phineas Tower"

From “Escape from Phineas Tower”

“Yes,” Phineas bashfully replies, looking away from the two of us in an effort to hide his blushing red cheeks.


“Phineas, Dr. Chen invited me here this afternoon to inform me that everything’s gonna be okay. I’m not gonna hate you if you have feelings for me. Promise,” he finishes placing a hand on Phineas’ shoulder.


Spontaneously, upon meeting Ferb’s lustrous eyes, he lunges at Ferb in a tight embrace, again trying not to cry.


Thank you bro. That is what I’ve always wanted to hear you say,” he now mumbles through Ferb’s coat.


Ferb calms him by stroking his head and saying, “I love you too Phin. Never forget that” and gently kisses his bright maroon hair.


Through the stream of tears, Phineas goes in for a deep passionate kiss with his stepbrother, eyes sealed shut to amplify the sensation of the kiss, his cheeks still ever glowing as red as his hair.


It was certainly a sight to watch, as my heart melted inside, seeing them so in tune with each other all the time. I was quite overjoyed.

Just a kiss – COLORED by PFTaddictJAPAN © deviantART

Just a kiss – COLORED by PFTaddictJAPAN © deviantART


Eventually breaking away, both of their faces now showed a much more solemn and soothed tone, as they would smile back at me and say in unison, “We’re very happy together Doc.”  🙂


I can certainly see that,” I again chuckle in an uproar, proud for these two boys. They’re the sons I’ve never had, but I am still very assured they are both able to see me as an encouraging and loving father figure.


As they slowly rise to grab their belongings, now hands interlaced with each other, they bid me farewell, Ferb saluting with two fingers in a gentleman’s manner, and Phineas waving me, the proud American he is.


I tightly embrace them and kiss them both on their heads as they proceed to stroll out the door, hand in hand for a long time to come.


The next Spring, Izzy spots the brothers in the hallway.


“So Phineas, you heading on over to the GSA meeting in a little bit?” smiling at him.


“Yes! How about you Izzy?”


“Definitely!” as both she and Ferb take Phineas’ hands, one conveniently for each, laughing and giggling all the way there.

PnF Threesome (RECOLOR) bysweetcandyteardrop © deviantART

PnF Threesome (RECOLOR) by sweetcandyteardrop © deviantART


Background: I have decided to not only incorporate myself into the world where Phineas and Ferb live in this time as their high school psychologist, being that I am a long-time fan since the premiere of the show, and now DEVOTEE as well. In addition, to share part of my most recent coming out experience as being openly bisexual, as I realize the P&F fandom is unfortunately split along Phinbella and Phinerb lines.


‘Why not have Phineas express his bisexuality the way I would intend him to, and in a way that could potentially bring together both pairings in one place?’ I would often ask myself. That’s when this story came to mind just now, and it is beautiful. ❤


Inspirations/Closing Acknowledgements: The ending where the brothers hold hands is inspired by this scene from The Closet:


Furthermore, Isabella is a heterosexual LGBT ally in the very last scene, inspired by an extremely awesome and loving Mexican girl friend and UC Riverside classmate of mine in real life, Dulce R. Gomez.  YOU GO GIRL! CHEERS! 😀

Relive Another Historic Moment RIGHT HERE:


Ellen DeGeneres, you are such an inspiration to me! I ❤ YOU ALWAYS!

Aiming for Inclusion: Loving Others as an Openly Bi Christian

I still want to squeeze you, as if I’ve never squeezed a brother before. I still want to love you as only a brother could love. I still want to laugh and crack jokes with you. I still want to admire that hunk of body that you have, while I can only dream of accidentally waking you up at night with a light kiss on the cheek and we’d end up exchanging more late nighttime stories with each other until we’d both fall back asleep safely in each other’s arms. And when we kiss, it’d be like a scene right out of a touching movie with an instrumental of Coldplay’s Clocks playing in the background, as the camera would endlessly spin in 360 degrees and slowly zoom out, the wind rushing through our fine black hair and crisp autumn leaves encircling us where we were kneeling from below. But, unfortunate as it may be, with time, you’ve changed and slowly moved on; and would later become the demon I dare not want to ever face again.

But please, I dare you, the only way to break this curse is to love, Tim. That’s all there is to it. Do not let anger and fear turbulently gamble with your soul as it once did with mine. I want to see that innocent, child-like joy radiate from your dark brown pupils once again. Because that was the young man whom I once dearly loved…please resurrect that Tim for me from the dead again, please. Bring back his soul.

Forever love you in my dreams,


IN HIGH SCHOOL, as many other young adolescent teens are during this time, I began to feel an emotional admiration for classmates and friends of both genders—males and females alike. My freshman year, I re-met Tim, as you read above, whom I only once briefly met in the 7th grade during a small group therapy counseling session with our guidance counselor. You can imagine the look on his face as I glanced over at him for the very first time—small beady eyes, a warm, gentle grin and sunny disposition. I was somehow entranced, but dared not say anything except for a simple “Hi” and a gentle wave of the hand. When we finally briefly re-connected in high school, I nearly fell in love with him—or so I naively thought. Fast forward ahead many years into the near future. After many long hiatuses of not communicating back and forth online ever since Tim and his mom moved out to Texas in February 2008, one May evening one year ago, I decided to muster up the strength to tell him the truth about how I really felt about him all this time, and how much I’ve missed him so. “Tim, I love you. I really do.”


BULLYING Stops Here by StaticColour © deviantART

In those few short minutes of instant Google Talk messaging, I never would have anticipated my honest confession to go so awry: “EWWWW! GO AWAY HOMO!” I remember was his initial one-liner, followed by many continuous months of phone calls and Facebook correspondences that would usually start with him flaunting, “Hey there fag. How you doing today?” as Tim would horrendously giggle in an uproar over proudly using the word FAGGOT every time to denote who he perceived I was: a lonely, crippled faggot. And through the insults and accusations, I still tried to show him genuine Christian concern for his situation, until he scared me and scarred me so deeply, I wouldn’t even think he’d get on my last nerves. But he did, and I had to boot him out many times, until I felt sympathy and tried to let him back in—and repeat this vicious cycle all over again.

It has been several months since we both left again on hostile terms, and my romantic feelings for him have rapidly faded with time, even though there will always be a part of my heart that aches for his. Growing up in a conservative Evangelical household, I learned from a rather young age not to mingle with practicing homosexuals, and that harboring romantic feelings for another male is “an abomination”, as quoted in Leviticus. But during the latter half of last year and the first half of this year, my family would catch me pursuing a blind interest in wishing to be with other young men, and would caution me on the dangers of pornography and HIV. And while I boldly acknowledged the dangerous waters I would be trekking into, I couldn’t get Tim and many other guys whom I’d dream of being with out of my head, even as I fell asleep in bed at night.

For you see, I too went through repetitive cycles of trying to combat both my homosexual and bisexual lusts for other people, until at some point, I was, and still am, now realizing that God doesn’t judge us based on our sexual orientations or our disabilities alone. It’s the people who do:

Our sadistically twisted news media thrives on stories of sorrow, depression and suicide—and largely encompasses people of all backgrounds, nationalities, genders, disabilities and age groups, so much to the point where it seems the modern American psyche is only built around these very constructs. And one of the largest among adolescents and young adults of my current generation lies with LGBTQ youth, who are not only pressured to conform to the norms of a heteronormative society, but in some ways also resent the narrow-minded perspective of looking at the entire spectrum of sexuality as solely gay or straight.


Coincidentally, in a recent Gay-Straight Alliance meeting I attended this Thursday at my community college, most participants in the group reiterated similar feelings I myself have also had when it came to adopting an orientation that loved both males and females, instead of neglecting one entirely and falling madly in love with on the other. Moreover, despite all the stereotypes many of us have heard surrounding the possibility that one CAN actually be comfortable becoming openly bisexual—that bi people are extra promiscuous and can’t actually stay committed in healthy monogamous relationships.[1] While there may be some truth to those kinds of preconceptions, I sincerely and wholeheartedly appreciate what one of my recently open lesbian classmates Katey Snider has exclusively noted in friendly conversation with me earlier this week:

Being bi didn’t change you. Just your preferences.

I personally would like to amend the tense she uses in her statement here, so that it sounds current. Being bi DOESN’T change you. It just dictates your preferences.


In the words of another fellow classmate I’ve known as far back as elementary school:

Put it this way; most straight guys would probably never go out with a guy, but they can appreciate a good looking guy when they see one. Most of my girl friends that are straight say the same thing: they would never go out with a girl, and they aren’t attracted to other girls, but they can appreciate a good looking girl when they see one. And most people, if not all, have some degree of bi-curiosity. Like, take me for example. Am I attracted to women? Yes. Am I attracted to men? Not really. But can I appreciate a good looking man when I see one? Yes. Have I ever been curious what it would be like to be with a man? Yes. Would I actually do it? Doubt it. But either way, I doubt most people that claim they’re perfectly straight or perfectly gay are telling the truth. Somewhere, sometime, they’ve probably been curious at least once or twice in their lives.

~ Words of profound wisdom from my good friend, Albert Tsai

My personal journey towards coming out as bi these days, I will be extremely clear, is NOT one of exclusion anymore, as I once profoundly believed, following in the narrow-minded teachings of fellow churchgoers and ministers alike. In fact, I now find it humorously ironic when many close friends of mine who are also devout Christians use the Conversion of Saul story in the Book of Acts[2] to demonstrate that God can even humble a man as him, and blind him (literally) in order for Saul to gain a fresh perspective from the opposing side he once so fiercely targeted.

In a rather sad but grateful way, I actually want to thank my now ex-friend for one lesson I’ve gained from all the bullying he only carried out on me a year ago. Until he is able to differentiate what is truly righteous and what is not, he will forever remain living in Saul’s former state of mind prior to his conversion, while I am boldly taking steps towards imitating Saul after his conversion to Christ.

I know what you’re thinking: it’s scary to be honest. It’s scary to be open. In fact, sometimes the person on the other side WILL reject us; they WILL hurt us. Or they’ll make us wanna crawl back into our isolated cave, but JOY is at stake, and it only happens when we LET THE GUARD DOWN.

~ Jefferson Bethke, an excerpt from What Does It Mean to Be Truly Human? (2013)

In the case of Tzou and I, this is all too apparent. But with time, I have indeed come to acknowledge that his burdens are not really mine to bear in the first place, and that, although he has hurt me very deeply, somehow, I can still find a place in my heart to forgive him, as painful and as fresh the memories may be. This is only because I am reminded time after time that we are all sinners humbled before the presence of a Holy and Righteous God, and that He forgives and loves those who come to Him in every state of mind and heart.

Christianity has it wrong. We are not broken. We are not fallen. We are not flawed. We are simply fragile. We are beautifully distractible. We are self-invested because of love but that love also gives us a slight bias toward justice. We are so deeply invested in life that we can, at times, deny the larger good for the experience of the moment. We are not broken. We are human. We are flesh and blood, and we are experiential. Sometimes that makes us better. Sometimes that make us worse. It never makes us less. Or sinful. Or unredeemable. It means we are real. It means that life has a relentless hold on us. The struggles, the stumbles, the seemingly endless short-fallings simply point to our humanity not to our unworthiness. They mean life is difficult — but they also mean life is vibrant – pulsing with potential, ripe with possibility, constantly presenting lesson from which to grow. YOU – you are not broken. You are a unique expression of God here on Earth. You are bursting with potential that has not yet been expressed. You are God’s beloved. You are NOT broken. You are in process. You are love hoping to not only be expressed but to be recognized.[3]

~ Reverend Mark Sandlin

Therefore, I now stand for INCLUSION, and using God as the go-to guy to support a passive-aggressive stance on the LGBTQ community, as I once did as well, is the real abomination around here. And I now mean that in every way intended possible. And a final message to my LGBTQ peeps who may still be afraid to fully come out of the closet. I encourage you to take your time, pray and believe fervently, and always remember: you are not alone. I will be here, waiting to accept you as the valuable man or woman you already are, with arms wide open. ❤



Credits to my Israeli fangirl friend Hen © Tumblr 2014 | Phineas and Ferb © Dan & Swampy and Disney

[3] https://www.facebook.com/marksandlin/posts/10151755126947740

The Song That Inspired This Column:

*Original by KATY PERRY! 😀

What “Coming Out” Really Means, and Why It’s Crucial: